Jewish World Review Feb. 28, 2007 / 10 Adar, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Academy Awards show on Sunday was the third least-watched Oscar ceremony ever, drawing just forty percent of viewers. Most Americans preferred playing online poker. If you want to draw a straight, there is no point watching the Academy Awards.
Helen Mirren was invited to tea with Queen Elizabeth Monday. The invitation came after the actress toasted the queen in her acceptance speech. Every actor just vowed, if they ever win an Oscar, to toast Martin Scorsese in their acceptance speech.
Al Sharpton said Monday he was outraged to learn he's a descendant of slaves owned by Strom Thurmond's ancestors. You can imagine his embarrassment. All his friends at the club are descendants of slaves belonging to Bill Clinton's ancestors.
Arnold Schwarzenegger urged the nation's governors in Washington Monday to be more flexible and less partisan. He's a wildly popular former womanizer who is barred by the Constitution from running for president. Each party gets one of these.
Rudy Giuliani told the Hoover Institution Monday he used to be a Democrat, then he was an Independent, then he was a Republican. He said he didn't change parties twice like Ronald Reagan, he changed three times like Winston Churchill. If he were any more impressed with himself, he would be directing James Cameron to find his bones.
The Agriculture Department promised Thursday to inspect more meat and poultry plants starting next month. There's no time to lose. Ever since methadone and Slim Fast turned up in Anna Nicole Smith's refrigerator, people are returning to food in droves.
Las Vegas began its recovery from the NBA All-Star weekend, which lured the hip-hop crowd to the Strip. There were four hundred arrests and four shootings during the five-day melee. The NAACP is vehemently protesting the mayor's proposal asking the Mafia to run the town again on holiday weekends.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton