Jewish World Review Feb. 9, 2007 /21 Shevat, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Speaker Nancy Pelosi demanded a military jet to fly non-stop from Washington to San Francisco. Her time is very valuable. If she gets in a love triangle, she doesn't want to have to drive three thousand miles in a diaper to take out her rival.
NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak drove to Florida wearing a wig and an adult diaper Monday to attack a love rival. She had pepper spray, a knife, a pellet gun and a mallet. Three hours after she posted bail, e-Harmony fixed her up with Ryan O'Neal.
Ryan O'Neal told cops Sunday he fired his gun to ward off an attack from his son Griffin. Give the kid a break. Back when he was a student at Beverly Hills High School, Griffin O'Neal won a prize for having the most parents at a PTA meeting.
Charles Barkley said Monday he won nearly a million dollars playing blackjack in Las Vegas last weekend. He could become a fixture there. The reason the bellmen in Las Vegas hotels look so distinguished is because just last week, they were customers.
Rudy Giuliani began seeking the GOP presidential nomination on Tuesday. He's pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, pro-gun control and he did a skit in drag that is on the Internet. If Osama bin Laden hadn't attacked him Pat Robertson would have.
Senator Joe Biden apologized for insulting Barack Obama but not for wondering why Persians run so many convenience stores. He's the Democrats' leading expert on foreign policy. The Biden Doctrine states that Iran was responsible for 7-Eleven.
Condi Rice testified in Congress on the danger of Iran Wednesday. She warned that Iran backs al-Qaeda, wants nukes and threatens America. Democrats told her they're not going to give her any more stage time unless she comes up with some new material.
Tom DeLay warned Wednesday that Hillary Clinton will be the next president if conservatives don't stop her. Why should they? The last time Bill Clinton ran free in the White House, Republicans wound up in control of Congress for twelve years.
NASA vowed Wednesday to do a better job of screening astronauts for mental distress after Lisa Nowak flipped out over a love triangle and tried to kill her rival. It's embarrassing. This never happened back when the space program used monkeys, who live with love triangles every day and don't make a big deal out of it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton