Jewish World Review Feb. 5, 2007 /17 Shevat, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Super Bowl prompted eight billion dollars in illegal betting on the game plus hundred of millions in side bets. The game was watched in nearly every household. It's important for children to learn that there's more to life than poker.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced Friday that London will host an NFL game this fall at Wembley Stadium. What a place. It's just like playing in America except the luxury boxes have been held by the same families for seven hundred years.
U.S. Congressman Duncan Hunter announced in South Carolina last week that he will join the presidential race. Everyone's lost count of the number of candidates. There are so many people running for president we now run the risk of running out of Americans.
The U.S. Capitol was ordered inspected Friday due to falling slabs of concrete during renovation. The concerns were raised by plumbers who provide steam in the Capitol. Apparently they got rid of Mark Foley but they didn't close the bath house.
Hillary Clinton spoke to the Democratic National Committee in Washington D.C. Friday and vowed she will end the war in Iraq immediately if she's elected president. Who's she kidding? She couldn't even stop the war between Good Bill and Bad Bill.
Florida got rid of touch-screen computer voting machines once and for all on Friday. They weren't saving any time at all. The lines were tremendous when one out of every ten voters got hooked on Internet porn while they were in the booth.
Al Franken said Thursday he may run for Senate. He starred on Saturday Night Live twenty-five years ago. In the last scene of Animal House they predicted that John Belushi would wind up in the U.S. Senate, and they only missed it by one comedian.
San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom admitted Friday he had an adulterous affair with his campaign manager's wife. The American public in general was shocked that he would do this with his best friend's wife. Everyone just assumed he was gay.
Congresswoman Loretta Sanchez said Wednesday the Hispanic caucus chairman called her a whore, just as Joe Biden called Barack Obama clean and articulate. Comics are relieved. Until the Democrats won back Congress, Michael Richards was out there all by himself.
Exxon Mobil on Friday reported a world-record thirty-nine billion dollars in company profits last year. You know what Congress is going to do about this. They're going to stick Jay Rockefeller with the lunch checks for the rest of the year.
Tony Blair was grilled by Scotland Yard Friday about the trading of campaign donations in exchange for peerages and titles. Now we know why last month he was vacationing in Florida. He was talking to O.J. about how to protect all that cash.
Nancy Pelosi asked the White House Thursday to let her use military aircraft for all her travel in the United States. They might as well give her the plane. It's just one day of testimony in the Scooter Libby trial away from being Air Force One.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton