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February 13, 2012
Binyamin Rose: Back to the Bunker: How a life-risking act by a Christian family during the Holocaust saved a family and built a thriving community a world away
Menachem Wecker: Business Schools Teach Real Estate Despite Troubled Housing Market
February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
February 9, 2012
Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
Feb. 10, 2006
/ 12 Shevat, 5766
Born to Raise Heck: My not-so-shocking memoir
By
Gene Weingarten
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
I always wanted to be a bad-boy author. I would write a memoir so disgusting, confessing to depravities so sordid and crimes so heinous that literary critics would lionize me for my "searing honesty." Oprah would weep at the pain I had suffered and absolve me of the pain I caused. Hot young chicks would dig my vulnerability and flock to me. And I would become very, very rich.
The problem is, I haven't been all that heinous. And even if I put as much bad-boy spin as possible on my actual transgressions, it just wouldn't really do the trick:
It was gray outside, gray and mottled, like the pigeon-flecked tombstone that passes for my soul. He stood before me, old, hunched over, vulnerable. I knew what I was going to do, and it wasn't good. And it wasn't moral. And it wasn't legal. And it wasn't nice. "Nice" is not in my vocabulary. "Morality" is not my bag. I didn't even have a bag. So when he finished pooping, I just tugged on his leash and walked on, flagrantly violating municipal Ordinance 23-107b (1978) pertaining to pet waste retrieval and disposal.
See, that was never going to work. But now we have the remarkable case of James Frey, who wrote exactly the memoir I never could. Last year, A Million Little Pieces became a bestseller because it confessed to a degenerate life of jaw-dropping immorality and wanton violence a two-decade bacchanalia of drugs, crime and other misdeeds that shocked the conscience of civilized society. Oprah did weep. Critics did fawn. Chicks did (a guess here) flock. Trouble is, A Million Little Pieces has now been exposed as a million little sleazy fabrications. While not admitting it is complete fiction, Frey concedes he made up a bunch of stuff. It is partly a lie.
I had no idea you could do that! I am now hard at work on my partly true memoir. For your convenience, I will do what Frey didn't. I will highlight in boldface those parts that I am exaggerating, for increased literary value:
I entered the office, angry, and hunted down my editor.
"Why did you cut my last paragraph?" I demanded.
"Because it was infantile, vulgar and not remotely funny."
"Really?" I said, extracting a switchblade from my pocket. "Perhaps you will find this more to your liking," I hissed, slicing open his belly like a ripe cantaloupe, grabbing his pancreas in my fist and eating it raw as he gurgled to death at my feet. Then I sat down at my desk to write my next column
"I now pronounce you man and wife," said the city hall clerk. I turned to kiss my bride.
I looked into her eyes, which were bloodshot, pinwheeling and filled with uncontrollable animal lust. Just minutes before, we had snurfed up a mound of cocaine the size of a Cornish hen, and nothing and no one was going to stop us from consummating this union right there, on the . . .
The police officer approached my car.
"License and registration, sir," he said.
"Certainly, officer," I replied, kicking the sawed-off shotgun under the passenger seat. I passed him the documents with a smile, knowing they were in order but hoping he didn't notice that the picture on the license wasn't mine. It belonged to the owner of the car, relaxing in the trunk with a bellyful of lead and all eternity to ponder the stupidity of double-crossing me, the baddest man alive.
I shall be awaiting my six-figure advance.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.
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