Jewish World Review Feb. 24, 2006 / 26 Shevat, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Powerball Lottery, it was learned Thursday, was won by
eight Nebraska meat packers who will share three hundred and
sixty-five million dollars. They must have a great feeling of
security. They live fifteen hundred miles from the nearest port.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg urged calm Wednesday when a
New Yorker contracted anthrax poisoning. Anthrax is of no concern
out West. If anybody in Los Angeles gets white powder in the mail,
it's usually just a Christmas card from Charlie Sheen.
The National Football League held its rookie scouting
combine in Indianapolis this week. They look at everything.
Character scrutiny is intense ever since Ricky Williams threw away
his football career to become a spokesman for the Emir of Doobie.
President Bush strongly endorsed the sale of six U.S. ports
to an Arab company Tuesday, then found out ninety percent of the
nation is opposed to the deal. The president might be forced to
ask Bill Clinton for advice. This is a job for Houdini.
Bob Dole agreed Tuesday to lobby Congress on behalf of the
Arab company that wants to buy U.S. ports, even though his wife is
a senator from North Carolina. Bob Dole won't lose any sleep over
this. North Carolina makes the world's nicest couches.
The Bank of England said thieves stole forty million pounds from a banknote storage depot. They were a mix of old and new notes. This is the only currency with the queen's picture on it, unless you believe those rumors about Abe Lincoln.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton