Jewish World Review Feb. 13, 2006 / 15 Shevat, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tony Blair called Friday for Iran to give up its ambition to
possess nuclear weapons. It's got the world's attention. When
experts said a war could cost ten million Iranian lives, Wayne
Gretzky's wife bet fifty thousand dollars on the overs.
Muslims held more protests in the Middle East over
Danish editorial cartoons offensive to their religion. It's
spreading fast. Canadians took to the streets Friday when the
Denver Post ran a cartoon of Wayne Gretzky without his halo.
Janet Jones and some NHL players belonged to a sports
betting ring headed by mobster Skinny Joey Merlino. He's a lovely
guy. He helped six men become senators from New Jersey, and then
afterwards he helped two of them become American citizens.
Canadian goalie Jose Theodore flunked his Olympic drug test
Friday because of Propecia. They said the hair growth drug can be
used to mask steroid use. Don't be surprised if Barry Bonds shows
up for spring training with the biggest Afro since Oscar Gamble's.
The Winter Olympics held their opening ceremony in Turin on
Friday. Before the games began, Italian authorities expelled the
area's leading Muslim cleric. Bode Miller isn't going to set any
Olympic downhill skiing records if the snow is on fire.
Cindy Sheehan decided not to challenge Democrat Senator
Dianne Feinstein this year in the California primary. She would
only have sucked away the votes of the hippies and druggies and
tree huggers. In other words, she would have won in a walk.
ABC News anchor Elizabeth Vargas announced Friday that she's
pregnant. ABC's other anchor Bob Woodruff is in the hospital
recovering from a bombing attack. It could just be bad luck or it
might be time to ask Walter Cronkite if he has an alibi.
President Bush said in a speech in Washington Thursday that
al-Qaeda once plotted a terrorist attack on Los Angeles. It makes
no sense at all. People who want to destroy America would never
attack Hollywood, if only out of professional courtesy.
Dr. Phil got a Daytime Emmy nomination Thursday in the
category of Outstanding Achievement in Hair Styling. No kidding.
It's the easiest set-up for comedians since President Clinton was
asked to give the invocation at a Promise Keepers rally.
Iran's president said Thursday he will end cooperation with
the U.N. and start uranium enrichment and no longer allow surprise
inspections. The lesson couldn't be any clearer. Never ask a
Muslim leader for a quote right after he's read the comics.
Hillary Clinton said Friday she cannot understand why the
Bush administration can't capture the tallest man in Afghanistan.
Bin Laden can't be that hard to find. Some guy is averaging
seventy points a game for Islamabad and nobody ever fouls him.
Congressman Barney Frank accused the White House of ethnic cleansing in New Orleans Thursday. He warned of a richer and whiter New Orleans. If the Democrats had their way, the America's Cup would begin a half-mile upstream from Niagara Falls.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton