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Jewish World Review
Feb. 13, 2006
/ 15 Shevat, 5766
U.S. offers to relocate insurgents to Iran
By
Andy Borowitz
‘Keep doing what you're doing’ next door, Rumsfeld says
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
In what Pentagon planners are characterizing as their boldest tactic to date, the United States today offered to relocate Iraqi insurgents to Iran and urged them to continue their insurgent activities next door.
With U.S. troops stretched thin in Iraq, the idea of encouraging Iraqi insurgents to travel across the border and topple the government of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was a cost-efficient solution to a nettlesome problem, Pentagon sources said.
In Washington, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld made the formal appeal to the insurgents, telling them, "Keep doing exactly what you're doing, just do it next door."
Calling them "world-class insurgents," Rumsfeld said, "Go across the border and keep on insurging the way only you know how to insurge."
Answering reporters' questions, Secretary Rumsfeld said that the insurgents were being offered a special relocation package that included a bus ticket and change-of-address cards so that their mail service would be uninterrupted.
He added that if the relocation program proved successful, the Pentagon would consider offering to relocate additional insurgents to North Korea.
"This is 'thinking outside the box' at its very best," a beaming Rumsfeld said.
But in Iraq, the relocation program seemed to hit a snag, with many of the insurgents turning up their noses at the Pentagon's offer.
"Why would I want to go to Iran?" asked one insurgent who spoke on condition of anonymity. "That's where I came from in the first place."
Elsewhere, Los Angeles police were led on a high-speed chase by a car driven by Britney Spears' baby.
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JWR Contributor Andy Borowitz, the first-ever recipient of the National Press Club's Award for Humor, is a former president of the Harvard Lampoon,and a regular humor columnist for Newsweek.com, The New Yorker, The New York Times and TV Guide. Recognized by Esquire magazine as one of the most powerful producers in television, he was the creator and producer of the hit TV series The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and producer of the Oscar-nominated film Pleasantville.
© 2006, Andy Borowitz
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