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Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Feb. 25, 2005 / 16 Adar I, 5765

Take My Column, Please

By Gene Weingarten


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | DEAR PRESIDENT BUSH: When I read that your administration has been secretly giving money to columnists to write complimentary things about your agenda, I was outraged. You never offered me a cent!

Now I'm even more outraged to learn that you've ordered the practice stopped. I urge you to reconsider. Your mistake was not in bribing these columnists, it was in limiting your bribes to conservative sympathizers. We liberal columnists can sell out, too. And, may I also note that humor is an overlooked vehicle for the shameless promotion of your initiatives.

Please consider this an audition.

AN IRAQI INSURGENT walks into a bar, orders a drink and proposes a toast "to the health of the great George W. Bush."

The bartender is dumbfounded. "How can you — a murderous, insane, poorly shaved religious fanatic — drink to the health of a man who embodies everything you oppose: namely, the spread of freedom and liberty and goodness across the globe?"

The filthy swine slaps his forehead. "You are right!" he says. "Forget the drink. I'd better beheading home!"

A THIRD-GRADE TEACHER is being reprimanded by the principal.

"I am very disappointed in you," the principal scolds. "From what I have heard, you have given up on several of your slower students, condemning them to unfulfilled lives in the soft bigotry of low expectations. This is in direct violation of George W. Bush's visionary No Child Left Behind policy, which ensures that every American youth has an opportunity to reach his or her potential. Even worse, I hear that you have humiliated these children by making them pull down their pants and expose one buttock."

"Ohhh,'' says the embarrassed teacher, a typically stupid blue-stater."I thought I was supposed to 'know child's left behind!' "

HOW MANY LIBERALS does it take to screw a drill bit down into a wilderness area to tap vast reserves of oil that will reduce our dependence on despotic Middle Eastern nations while producing absolutely no long-term environmental damage?

None. Liberals never screw things down. They only screw things up!

PRESIDENT BUSH AND TWO ENEMIES OF FREEDOM are on a small airplane when the pilot keels over dead. The plane plummets. There are only two parachutes. The first enemy of freedom grabs one and says, "I need to remain alive so I can continue to ensure that people live in tyranny," and jumps out of the plane. The second evildoer grabs the second parachute and says, "If I die, who will enslave the masses?" and jumps out of the plane.

President Bush says to himself, "Gosh, it's too bad that we are over the ocean and those fellows are going to drown." Then, utilizing the skills he learned when defending our country in the National Guard, he takes over the controls himself and brings the plane down safely on an island. Chuckling softly, he says, "Mission accomplished."

I JUST FLEW IN FROM BAGHDAD, where I have been commanding thousands of brave troops who are fighting day and night to spread liberty across the globe, and, boy, are my armies tired!

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TWO GAY SINNERS move to Massachusetts to get "married." One has the sort of glib arrogance that passes for intelligence among the liberal elite, and he gets a job teaching at Harvard. The other is as dumb as a blonde who opposes privatizing Social Security.

One day, the professor comes home to find his "husband" with a pair of shears, shredding every napkin, pillow sham, bed skirt and doily in the house! "What are you doing to our beautiful linens?!" he cries.

"Just following the gay agenda, like you told me!" the dumb one answers. "I'm destroying the social fabric!"

SO THE GUYS ARE SITTING AROUND watching a Jane Fonda tape on the VCR in Hell's living room. The doorbell rings. "Don't get up, Adolf," says Satan. "I'll get it."

He opens the door and the flames shoot out to illuminate the face of Sen. Paul Wellstone.

"Go away!" yells Satan, and he slams the door.

"What?" says Stalin. "But he belongs here! He was the most liberal senator ever! He was a major proponent of failed tax-and-spend policies!"

". . . And he opposed all of George W. Bush's strategic initiatives!" says Pol Pot.

". . . And he coddled criminals!" says Jeffrey Dahmer.

". . . And in perpetuating the crippling dependency of the underclass through welfare entitlements!" says Caligula.

"That's the problem," says Satan. "I just find him too scary!"

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and the media consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.


Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.


02/17/05: EXTRA! EXTRA!: Stories Too Good to Check
02/11/05: Whee the People
02/04/05: Dial M for Mischief
01/28/05: The Feminine Mistake
01/21/05: A Head of His Time: Exploring the commodious nature of art
01/11/05: You can't buy this kind of PR ... But then, you wouldn't want to


© 2005 WPWG