Jewish World Review Jan 27, 2012/ 3 Shevat, 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Demi Moore was taken by ambulance to alcohol and drug rehab Tuesday. She's lucky to be alive. They should outlaw that Obama speech drinking game where you do a shot every time he says the word fair, the paramedics are buying Ferraris with all the overtime.
CBS News said energy efficient office windows are reflecting sun rays which melt the plastic bodywork on Priuses in parking lots. The beams are red-hot. In the competition for U.S. taxpayer subsidies, green technologies are starting to kill each other like Iraqi tribes.
Bubba Watson bought the old Dodge Charger on the Dukes of Hazzard. It's nicknamed the General Lee with a Rebel naval jack on top, and its horn plays Dixie. After President Obama promised Tuesday to raise taxes again, the rich are starting a secession movement.
Warren Buffett was revealed to own the railroad that'll transport Canadian oil to Texas now that Obama's canceled the Keystone pipeline. It's all clear now. President Obama will only say it's really unfair that the railroad engineer has to pay a higher tax rate than Warren Buffett.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa deputized city inspectors Monday to make sure actors are wearing condoms while shooting porno movies at studios. It's tough to find qualified inspectors. Most of the people who have had experience with porn have gone blind by now.
The Detroit Tigers signed slugger Prince Fielder Tuesday, giving him a nine-year deal for two hundred and twenty million. It's not as much as it sounds. He only wanted one hundred fifty million to play ball in Detroit, the rest is for the security system on his house.
Garth Brooks won a million-dollar suit against an Oklahoma HMO Tuesday which he said reneged on a promise to name a hospital wing after his mother in return for a huge donation. You reach a point in your country music career where you're sick of love and you'd just as soon write songs about being betrayed by a hospital fundraising committee.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton