Jewish World Review Jan 3, 2012/ 8 Teves, 5772
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Let's start 2012 on the right foot by laughing at 2011. Here's our annual look back at the year in jokes. Come back tomorrow for the second half.
JANUARY - President Obama's job approval rating hit an all-time low in the Gallup Poll Tuesday as unemployment hit a new high. It's nothing he's ever experienced. President Obama is so unpopular that people in Kenya have begun claiming he was born in the United States.
U.S. Navy captain Owen Honors lost command of his ship for taping comedy skits with his sailors on his ship. The skits had gay jokes, simulated sex, and co-ed showering. The captain has been hired by the state of California and put in charge of Workout Wednesdays.
FEBRUARY - Martin Sheen broke his silence Tuesday about the behavior of his son Charlie Sheen that caused him to lose his TV show. Until now he's been tight-lipped. He wants to show everybody that at least one member of the Sheen family can still breathe through his nose.
Facebook announced it now has five hundred million users. This breaks the previous record, held by heroin. Being on Facebook is like sitting in jail--you spend a lot of time alone, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know every night.
MARCH - President Obama held a golf summit Tuesday with John Boehner, Joe Biden and GOP Ohio Governor John Kasich to negotiate budget cuts. They got right to work on it. The foursome teed off at twelve noon and they were fourteen trillion over par after three holes.
President Obama gave a televised speech to the nation Monday about the operations in Libya. The president faced an impossible task in his speech. He had to persuade the Democrats we should be in Libya without convincing the Republicans he was born in Libya.
APRIL - The Sons of Confederate Veterans held ceremonies Friday marking the one hundred fiftieth anniversary of the Civil War. It had to be fought. It settled once and for all the great moral issue in America whether farm work should be done by slaves or illegal aliens.
The Boston Marathon was run in front of a big crowd Sunday. A college kid watching the race from his dorm window fell five stories into a snowbank but wasn't hurt. Later a Kenyan fell out of the window and beat his time to the ground by four-tenths of a second.
MAY - U.S. Navy SEALs landed on Osama bin Laden's compound in Pakistan where they killed him, seized his body and dumped it into the Indian Ocean. The reaction was swift. The next day all three of Osama bin Laden's wives updated their Facebook status to single.
The White House took full credit for the raid killing Osama bin Laden Sunday. Both parties deserve credit. Sending in helicopters may have been President Obama's idea, but shooting bin Laden in the face was clearly a continuation of the Dick Cheney Doctrine.
JUNE - Anthony Weiner refused to resign from Congress Wednesday despite calls from his fellow Democrats to step down. His constituents are mixed. Forty percent of the voters want Anthony Weiner to keep his seat while sixty percent want him to spray it with Lysol.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian died after a career dedicated to assisted suicide. His own life was extended by real caregivers. Last year when he collapsed in his living room, paramedics saved his life by offering to purchase his house for thirty percent more than he'd paid for it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton