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In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

Difficult people: The solution, not the problem

By Dr. Dovid Lieberman



Advice from an internationally regarded bestselling author who is proud to be a believer


Flight attendants begin each trip by informing passengers that in the event of the oxygen masks dropping down during the flight, those traveling with children should secure their own masks first, and then secure the masks on their children. We are no good to anyone if we are no good to ourselves. Whenever we redraw lines in relationships, one person gets less territory; but without boundaries, there is no definition of self. While some relationships benefit from having no boundaries, allowing those who are toxic make the rules and shape us is not healthy. It certain instances, then, we are obligated to say, "Enough is enough."

We are mistaken to believe that the larger solution is cutting out of our lives those people who are difficult; rarely is this required. It is only when we respond to another's' cruelty with like, that we move to a mode of dependence, and so pain. There is no way to get around this. Guilt will seep in, our ego engages to fortify our actions and our beliefs, and all the while, our self-esteem and emotional wellbeing slowly melt.

Sometimes the closer we are to someone, the worse we treat them. Too often, a person shows more gratitude to the toll collector than to his own spouse; indeed, sometimes we deliver kindness to a stranger but ignore the needs of our own family.

One reason we do not give is because we do not get. A person holds back from another because he does not feel that his own emotional needs are being met.

On the other side of the coin, strangers are quick to offer their appreciation and to give us the respect we crave when we come to their aid. Will a family member even acknowledge our efforts? It does not matter. Our actions must be independent of the response or of our own feelings of whether or not the other party in the relationship deserves our kindness and love.


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The temptation to do otherwise is strong, particularly if we suffer from low self-esteem. By definition, low self-esteem means that a person does not feel in control — remember, self-respect comes from self-control. So the less control we exert over ourselves, the more we attempt to control or manipulate the world and the people in it.

Now we understand why it is that we hurt — either overtly or passive aggressively — the ones closest to us. The closer we are to someone, the more power we have over them, and the more we can attack their weaknesses with pinpoint accuracy. When we lack self-control, hurting those who love us gives us the most traction to cause something to happen. It is the last vestige of power for the person who has so little of it.

When a person has very low self-esteem, it does not matter how accomplished he appears; such a person is dependent upon everyone and everything to feed his ego.

We do not feel complete when we are feuding or estranged from a member of our immediate family. But G-d does not leave our wellbeing at the doorstep of other people, let alone those who are not well. If we do everything that we can, when we can, for as long as we can, to have the healthiest relationship possible, and we still don't get anywhere, then we find that while we have compassion for the other, and perhaps some sadness over the loss of the relationship, we do not feel less good about ourselves.

Our strife with another need not cause discord within ourselves. Our willingness to do what is necessary to bring peace, is what will give us peace, regardless of the outcome. There is one major caveat. When we say that we need to do everything possible to make peace, we do not mean that we try our very best to make our point, and present a clear and rational argument as to why we are right. Only an attempt at peace that comes by way of complete humility, will keep our trust in G-d intact and our conscience absolved of guilt.

DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER
It is our responsibility to perceive the wider reality, which is that G-d is speaking to us through every person and situation. Relationships are a very common area in which people often miss the message and focus on the messenger.

Difficult people are not in our lives to add to our woes, but to help us; and we need to realize this, or they will keep coming around again and again — and so may we keep coming around, again and again.

The prerequisite for growing in any area is not to blame, or be enraged at the injustice of the situation, but to ask oneself practically, "What does G-d want from me now?"

While we are in blame-mode, we are also not solution-oriented, and therefore cannot see, let alone investigate, ways to improve the situation. What would happen if you would stop looking at yourself as a victim?



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Dovid Lieberman, Ph.D., is an award-winning author and internationally recognized leader in the field of human behavior and interpersonal relationships. Techniques based on his seven books, which have been translated into 18 languages and include two New York Times bestsellers, are used by the FBI, the Department of the Navy, Fortune 500 companies, and by governments, corporations, and mental health professionals in more than 25 countries. Dr. Lieberman's work has been featured in publications around the world, and he has appeared as a guest expert on more than 200 programs such as: The Today Show, PBS, and The View. Infusing Torah wisdom into the psychological process, Dr. Lieberman lectures and holds workshops on a variety of subjects across a spectrum of audiences.


Previously:

The Psychology of Relationships: How to Love and Be Loved





© 2011, Dovid Lieberman