Jewish World Review Jan. 13, 2011 / 8 Shevat, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tucson shooter Jared Loughner said Monday he employs lucid dreaming to live in an alternative reality. The last thing the state needed was another immigration problem. Apparently Charles Manson now has a nice side business selling fake passports and visas to borderline psychotics to help them cross the border from the Matrix into Arizona.
Democratic House leader Jim Clyburn blamed the Tucson shootings Tuesday on the reading of the U.S. Constitution on the floor of Congress last week. He said reading the U.S. Constitution out loud was an attempt to de-legitimize the president. So he listened to it.
The Consumer Electronics Show got underway in Las Vegas Tuesday showcasing all the new gadgets. The next big thing is three-dimensional TV. To add depth to each episode next fall, CSI will feature at least one character reading Tolstoy in the break room.
The History Channel decided not to air this year's already-filmed mini-series about Jack Kennedy due to its raunchy content. America once enjoyed Kennedy sexual romps, but times have changed. Now NBC Dateline is planning a new show called To Catch a Kennedy.
NASA got four hundred people to volunteer to take a one-way trip to colonize Mars. The timing is unfair. They always ask if anyone would like to move to Mars in January when the weather's miserable, the Cowboys are eliminated and Congress returns to work.
China posted its marriage license database online Tuesday to flush out adulterous husbands to unknowing girlfriends. It got Washington's attention. It's the only time anybody's heard both Democrats and Republicans complain about too much government.
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates visited China Tuesday, where he predicted that North Korea will have missiles that can reach Southern California in five years. People in Los Angeles are buzzing about it. At last an Asian restaurant that delivers.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton