Jewish World Review Jan. 7, 2011 / 2 Shevat, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Congressman John Boehner became Speaker of the House Wednesday. His first task is a bill to increase America's national debt past fourteen trillion dollars. We may have scaled back our manned space program but we'll never give up our quest to reach infinity.
Nancy Pelosi caused John Boehner to blush while handing him the gavel Wednesday, kidding him for wanting a big gavel. He got even. He vowed that Congress will repeal health care reform and you should've seen the face that Nancy Pelosi tried to make.
The White House called off the end-of-life counseling in their Medicare reform program Wednesday. The president said he won't support any program that pulls the plug on grandma. In this economy, grandma's heirs prefer the much quicker pillow option, anyway.
Michael Jackson's bodyguard testified Tuesday that his attending doctor didn't know how to give CPR as he lay dying. It's no crime. A Los Angeles ordinance only requires you to be able to administer CPR if you're a lifeguard, or a firefighter, or engaged to Hugh Hefner.
California enacted a new state law Monday making marijuana possession the same penalty as a parking ticket. Passage was easy. The Pot Party is so powerful in the Golden State that once a year the governor gives a speech to a joint session of Californians.
The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices approach one hundred dollars a barrel on Wednesday. It's ominous news. Gasoline is so expensive in Los Angeles that yesterday the police pulled over a van and found sixty legal Americans inside it.
Arizona's new immigration law went into effect on New Year's Day, cracking down on employers. It's now illegal for companies to hire or entice illegal aliens to work for them. For instance, UPS can no longer ask in its commercials what brown can do for you.
Arizona lawmakers called Wednesday for completion of the border fence. We just built a four-hundred-mile-long fence along the two-thousand-mile-long border. It shows the U.S. government can't even build a fence without running up a sixteen hundred mile deficit.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton