Jewish World Review January 25, 2010 / 10 Shevat 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Los Angeles had tornado warnings Tuesday when arriving Pacific storms collided with unstable air and formed funnel clouds. This never happened before. The late-night talk show hosts are rotating so fast the winds are starting to knock over trees.
Conan O'Brien got thirty-three million dollars from NBC to leave the Tonight Show and not to criticize the network. His future monologues will be very restricted. Under the agreement he is only allowed to discuss the weather and everybody's health.
China pulled Avatar from movie theaters because it's too popular. It wasn't the first time they did this. They pulled Gone With the Wind after the barbecue scene at Twelve Oaks, and now no one in China understands how Barack Obama can be president.
Hope the Musical, about Barack Obama's life, premiered in Germany Saturday. They had to make some changes after the previews. Every time Jeremiah Wright stood in the pulpit and damned America in German, the first two rows walked out and invaded Poland.
President Obama was invited Monday to play poker in the Paddy Power Irish Open held annually in Dublin on Easter weekend. The president turned it down. After what happened to him in Massachusetts Tuesday he plans to spend Easter rising from the dead.
Christie's in London announced it will auction a four-inch cigar butt smoked by Winston Churchill at a war cabinet meeting. What a souvenir. It will set a record price for a historic cigar, at least until the Clinton Library auctions its memorabilia.
The PGA Tour got Farmers to sponsor the San Diego Open on Tuesday, the same day Sun Life bought naming rights to the Super Bowl venue. Insurance companies are coming back out in the sunlight. After universal health care seemed to die with Tuesday's election results the NFL fined six insurance companies for celebrating in the end zone.
Kraft Foods closed in on the Cadbury candy company with a nineteen billion dollar bid Tuesday. The deal is a winner. If you saw the retail sales numbers for the last two Christmases you could tell we are all living on macaroni and cheese and chocolate.
Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez joined the government of France Tuesday, accusing the U.S. of attempting to colonize Haiti by sending troops there. That's not the plan. The plan is to get Haiti a Fannie Mae loan and then fix it up, and then flip it.
Port au Prince became a free-fire zone Sunday when gangs set up roadblocks, looted relief supplies and robbed pedestrians. It shouldn't surprise anyone. The June-like weather in Haiti makes everybody think the Lakers just won the championship.
President Obama was criticized in polls Monday for prioritizing Haiti as if it were a U.S. state instead of a foreign country. He said we have a special relationship with Haiti. It was an insult to Great Britain and a crushing disappointment to Kenya.
Haiti was suggested for U.S. statehood by several Democrats Monday in interviews airing on cable news. They want to bring the island nation under the U.S. sovereignty umbrella. That is how far they are reaching for two more votes for health care reform.
Grand Cayman Island residents and visitors felt a six-point earthquake Tuesday, rattling vacation homes and hotels in the Caribbean island paradise. The relief effort is minimal. This time the world doesn't have to send money, it's already there.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton