Jewish World Review January 14, 2010 / 28 Teves 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
O.J. Simpson was reported Tuesday to be pitching a comedy series to TV networks about his life behind bars. It's hard to believe but in the late Seventies polls named him the Most Admired Man in America. That's what America was like before drug testing.
Mark McGwire admitted using steroids to break Roger Maris' record, as Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron's. Not everyone's a suspect. As long as President Obama remains thin, Americans will believe he is breaking the federal deficit record fair and square.
Harry Reid was backed by the NAACP for complimenting Barack Obama as a light-skinned African-American with no Negro dialect. Of course they did. Any organization with Colored People still in its name would have to consider Negro dialect the King's English.
Senator Harry Reid was quoted praising Barack Obama for being a light-skinned black and having no Negro dialect. He was assessing his strengths and urging him to run for president. At the time, Barack Obama was the only black in the U.S. Senate and Harry Reid wanted to get him out of there before he brought down the property values.
The Pentagon issued a report Monday on the Ft. Hood shooter Nidal Hassan, saying that people missed all kinds of warning signs. You can tell by their conversation who's siding with the Taliban. Most people oppose the heroin traffic, while others support the medical use of heroin, but it's a red flag if they want to lift the tariffs on it.
Pope John Paul II's attempted assassin Mehmet Ali Agca will be released from prison Friday, thirty years after he shot the pope in Vatican Square. The Soviet KGB hired him for the hit. He was convicted despite the KGB's explanation that the pope fired first.
Brit Hume urged Tiger Woods to turn from his Buddhist faith to Christianity to turn his life around. Buddhism has no concept of sin. The only reason the Motion Picture Academy hands out Oscars each year is because Buddhas are a little overweight.
Taco Bell began an advertising campaign on women who lost weight with their new menu of Mexican food. No one ever thought of selling drive-through food as a diet product. Half of all Americans are just an E. coli infection away from reaching their target weight.
A Beverly Hills company will build a cruise ship and sell the cabins as floating homes. It will dock at Cannes during the film festival, in Sydney on New Year's and in Rio during Carnival. For tax reasons it will dock in Nebraska for the rest of the year.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton