Jewish World Review Jan. 30, 2009 / 5 Shevat 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tiffany's on Rodeo Drive began offering customers plain white sacks on Tuesday to allow them to hide their affluence as they walk in public. The customers were terribly grateful. If Congress sees what they're buying they might cancel the bailout.
Al Gore warned Congress Wednesday about the danger of global warming while ice storms knocked out power nationwide. This is insane. The only reason George W. Bush is the worst president in history is because Al Gore didn't get a chance at the title.
The Postal Service asked Congress for permission Thursday to end mail delivery service on Saturdays to try to cut costs. Why stop just Saturday? If they closed the entire Post Office no one would get their bills and the economy might recover.
President Obama summoned corporate leaders to the Oval Office Wednesday to get them behind the stimulus bill. Everyone's preparing for a long, long recession. Boeing Aircraft announced a plan Tuesday to lay off workers who haven't been born yet.
President Obama worked hard to pass his economic stimulus bill Tuesday. Things appear dire. If the stimulus plan doesn't work, the recession could spiral into a depression, leaving us with no viable economic option but to declare war on Japan.
Osama bin Laden said Monday U.S. foreign policy caused the economic crisis. He's doing fine. Al-Qaeda is cash-heavy because the U.S. kept banks from accepting their money, making Osama bin Laden the favorite to win this year's Nobel Prize in Economics.
US Airways was sued by passengers on the plane that landed on the Hudson River two weeks ago when a flock of geese flew headfirst into the jet engines. It won't happen again. The geese regained their will to live after President Bush left office.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton