Jewish World Review Jan. 27, 2009 / 2 Shevat 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Nigerian police arrested a goat for trying to steal a car Friday. They say the thief changed himself into a goat using black magic before his arrest. The governors of Illinois would get away with everything if they could get the secret to this trick.
Interior Secretary Ken Salazar vowed Friday to re-open the Statue of Liberty's crown to sightseers in New York Harbor. Closing it for security was a mistake. If we had some people on lookout up there we might have seen the Wall Street crash coming.
Barack Obama was sworn in a second time on Thursday after the botched ceremony on Inauguration Day. The first time they forgot to say the word faithfully and the second time they forgot the Bible. He might as well be president of the Playboy Club.
President Obama's tailor, Hart Shaffner and Marx, went bankrupt Saturday. They made the top coat, tuxedo and suit Obama wore on Inauguration Day. They didn't mind paying for the bulletproof fabric but when they had to coat it with Teflon, it was just too much.
Pakistan asked President Obama to halt the missile strikes on suspected Osama bin Laden hideouts. He can surrender now that Guantanamo's closed and no state will let terrorists in their prisons. The only place we could put him is Camp David.
President Obama ordered a basketball hoop and backboard installed on the White House tennis court Friday. The man is extremely competitive. He's going to be sorry he closed Guantanamo every time somebody fouls him while he is in the act of shooting.
Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for the New York Senate seat Thursday. There were reports of a nanny problem and a marital problem. If her husband is sleeping with the nanny, psychiatrists are right when they say that women marry their fathers.
France's former president Jacques Chirac was hospitalized with dog bites Thursday in Paris. He got mauled by his clinically depressed toy poodle. She picked up the scent of another dog on him and she wouldn't be bought off with another jeweled collar.
Iraqi officials said Wednesday they have less money to spend on infrastructure and salaries because the falling price of oil has hit government revenues hard. They said they can't spend money they don't have. Have we taught them nothing in six years?
The U.S. Navy seized an Iranian ship carrying arms to the Palestinian terrorists Friday. There's outrage. The Arab states say it shows that Barack Obama is hostile to Muslims and the Rocky Mountain states say it shows that he's hostile to gun rights.
President Obama revealed Thursday he's been given a new BlackBerry with which he can text-message friends. All the e-mail he sends is subject to the Presidential Records Act. So if he bets on basketball games he will never work as a referee again.
Congress praised Florida in a resolution Friday for winning the BCS title. The BCS bowl system is rigged to make sure that the big and rich schools on top stay big and rich and on top. If they wanted to be fair to everyone they would play soccer.
President Obama ordered an end to the torture of terrorists at Guantanamo last week. Interrogators are looking for new methods. The best way to break people down is to force them to put all their money in the stock market and then watch CNBC all day.
Barack Obama's inauguration Tuesday resulted in the doubling of newspaper sales the next day. Other people benefited greatly from the event. Con men were picking up women at the Inaugural by passing themselves off as heirs to the Port-A-Pottie fortune.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton