Jewish World Review Jan. 26, 2009 / 1 Shevat 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Britney Spears reportedly signed a fourteen million dollar book deal Wednesday to write her life's story. She was last seen in a tabloid photograph walking on crutches after a recent accident. She swerved to avoid a child and fell off the couch.
Caroline Kennedy withdrew her bid for New York's U.S. Senate seat Wednesday. She pulled out after reports surfaced that she was cheating on her husband. You are only allowed to represent New York in the U.S. Senate if your husband's cheating on you.
Harley-Davidson cut eleven hundred jobs Friday due to a slowdown in motorcycle sales. It's another example of companies ignoring consumer demands. They've had eighty years since the last depression to design a motorcycle that people can live in.
The Weather Channel reported that a cold front descended on South Florida Wednesday and ruined orange crops. It was the coldest three days anyone could remember. The national media wasted no time giving President Obama credit for ending global warming.
Inauguration Day musicians admitted Thursday playing along to a tape recording of themselves because they said the weather was too cold for string instruments. That's so ridiculous. If that were true, Tchaikovsky would have composed for the kazoo.
The CIA launched a missile attack Friday on a suspected al-Qaeda safe house in Pakistan. It's not an indication of the new president's policy. It's just that Joe Biden sat down at his desk and pressed the wrong button for the intercom.
Sarah Palin was reported Friday near a multimillion-dollar book deal. The book has to be racy enough to sell but inspiring enough to get her elected president someday. Her plan is to change a few of the names in the Bible and hope no one notices.
President Obama ordered the closing of Guantanamo and an end to torture interrogations of terror suspects. He thinks they should have regular prison jobs. Conservatives believe that the number of terrorists it takes to paint a wall depends on how hard you throw them.
President Obama added a financial briefing to his morning schedule Thursday to follow the morning intelligence briefing. It fits into the schedule perfectly. The financial briefing will replace the morning sports briefing President Bush used to get.
House Republicans asked Friday how spending hundreds of millions of dollars on contraceptives stimulates the economy. That's obvious. They help the bar business, the restaurant and hotel business, the florists, and if anyone gets caught, the jewelers.
Rush Limbaugh ripped the new administration on Fox News Thursday and described President Obama's proposed stimulus package as socialism. It's unfair to call him a socialist. Democrats believe it's okay to be rich as long as you feel awful about it.
US Airways Captain Sully Sullenberger got a hero's welcome home in California Saturday ten days after he landed his stricken airliner safely on the Hudson River, saving everybody onboard. He was greeted personally by Arnold Schwarzenegger. The governor asked him to bulk up a little and dye his hair so he can play him in the movie.
Nashville voters rejected a law Thursday that would have required all government business to be done in English. Analysts were surprised. It has nothing to do with immigration, it's just that everybody is trying to learn Chinese so they can get a job.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton