Jewish World Review Jan. 20, 2009 / 24 Teves 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Inaugural Parade today will feature volunteers following the horses to pick up their manure and make it into fertilizer. It's very rich this year. Between the sulfates, the nitrates, the hope and the change, this stuff will grow crops on a rock.
Barack Obama spent all weekend citing Abe Lincoln and evoking Jack Kennedy and referencing George Washington. He's so competitive. When the train conductor let him steer the Inaugural train Saturday he tried to land it safely on the Hudson River.
Barack Obama took a train ride from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. Saturday. It is the safest mode of transportation by far. If a Canadian goose decides to fly into a moving train the last thing that goes through his mind is the Santa Fe logo.
Canadian geese were vilified in New York Friday after a flock of them flew into an airliner's jet engines, forcing it to crash land. Everyone called for the mass killing of the birds. It's the first peaceful day Bernie Madoff has had in two months.
Captain Sully Sullenberger safely landed a U.S. Airways jet on the Hudson River Thursday after geese flew into the engines. New Yorkers raised money to build a statue of him. It will give the geese a chance to avenge the death of their relatives.
Barack Obama becomes president today, giving Democrats control of the entire U.S. government. Hopes were sky high. Three million people descended on Washington to celebrate the last days of capitalism, only to find out they were three months too late.
Barack Obama vowed Saturday to take up the work of the Founding Fathers when he takes office. The Founding Fathers agreed to legalize slavery south of the Mason-Dixon line and Barack Obama promises to take up their work. Well, Nixon went to China.
Barack Obama will sit in the presidential box on Pennsylvania Avenue today and review the Inaugural Parade in his honor. The cameras will be on him for hours. This will be longest he's gone without a cigarette since he was in the sixth grade.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton