Jewish World Review Jan. 19, 2009 / 23 Teves 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
CNBC business news reports that Barack Obama sports merchandise and collectibles sales hit two hundred million dollars Friday. Everything with his face on it is selling. General Motors just can't decide whether to put it on the doors or the hood. Tiger Woods spoke at the Lincoln Memorial Inaugural Show Sunday. It had Stevie Wonder, Beyonce, Denzel Washington, Martin Luther King III and Garth Brooks. The audience enjoyed a song by Stevie Wonder, a dance by Beyonce, a reading by Denzel Washington, and a sermon by Martin Luther King III followed by an apology by Garth Brooks.
Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum unveiled its likeness of Barack Obama Friday. The wax figure can't capture his rich speaking voice. Barack Obama sounds so much like the voice of God that he is not allowed on the courthouse lawn in twenty-eight states.
Will Farrell plays President Bush in a new Broadway show called You're Welcome America: A Final Night with George W. Bush. The ridicule is scathing. Democrats are afraid it's what's in store for Caroline Kennedy if she doesn't stick to charity work.
White House staffers finish moving out of their offices today while the Living Quarters are being emptied of the First Family's clothing and furniture. Today is the last day of the Bush administration. It's just what Islam needs, another holy day.
U.S. Airways pilot Chesley Sullenberger made a miraculous landing in the Hudson River Thursday, averting tragedy. There was a delay getting everybody off the plane. The airline charges extra for water, and a lot of the passengers didn't have exact change.
Treasury Secretary nominee Tim Geithner won't be sworn in on Inauguration Day because a back tax issue still has to be cleared up. It was an honest mistake. He thought that when you purchase an illegal immigrant maid online, you don't have to pay sales taxes.
New Jersey child protective services seized two kids whose parents named them after Adolf Hitler and Aryan Nations. Everyone says they're good students. They are the first kids to have their hands in the air each day, even if it's during the Pledge of Allegiance.
The U.S. Senate decided on Thursday to give the second half of the bailout money to Barack Obama. He'll have three hundred fifty billion to hand out to anyone he wants. If his wife has a shopping addiction, we are all going to find out about it now.
Barack Obama took a train from Philadelphia to Washington D.C. in tribute to Abe Lincoln. He wants to relive the Great Emancipator's dramatic trip through Virginia. He's going to follow Abe Lincoln's itinerary and wear one of Evel Knievel's jumpsuits.
Hillary Clinton said farewell to the Senate Thursday as she prepares to become Secretary of State. What a journey. In eight years Hillary Clinton has come from being the wronged woman in a sex scandal to the wronged woman in a presidential race.
Barack Obama was reported Tuesday to have selected a classic black silk tuxedo to wear to the ten Inaugural balls in his honor. Historians are worried. The last president who had ten balls led the nation into two wars and crashed the stock market.
Cadillac rolled out Barack Obama's new presidential limo Monday. The five-inch-armor-plated car can withstand a roadside bomb, a poison gas attack and gunfire. If we'd sent President Bush to invade Iraq personally we'd have been out of there by now.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton