Jewish World Review Jan. 13, 2009 / 17 Teves 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Barack Obama repeated his call for college football playoffs Friday. This year was the last straw. Everyone agrees that it's utterly pointless to play an entire college football season just to have the national crown given to Caroline Kennedy.
Ryan O'Neal agreed to enter a drug treatment program Thursday after he pleaded guilty to methamphetamine possession in his Malibu home. It's against the law to possess or use methamphetamines inside the Malibu city limits. It's zoned for cocaine.
Somali pirates received three million in cash by parachute Friday and released the oil tanker. While they were fighting over the money, the escape boat capsized and five of them drowned. It looked like Thanksgiving dinner at Bernie Madoff's house.
New Yorker Alex Gardega created a hot sauce named Bernie In Hell that displays the swindler Bernie Madoff's face on the bottle surrounded by flames. It's a huge success. If you buy the sauce, the money goes to pay off the last guy to buy the sauce.
Twenty-Four starring Keifer Sutherland as U.S. agent Jack Bauer premiered Sunday, featuring a subversive villain who's able to use his skills to turn the economy into complete and utter chaos. He's a mortgage broker in Orange County. It's a documentary.
Charles Barkley took a leave of absence from his TNT broadcasting job ten days after his DUI arrest in Phoenix, when he told the cops he ran a stop sign because was in a hurry to get oral sex. He's three hundred pounds, he's a gambling junkie, a drunk driver and a sex addict. It took him a week just to decide which rehab has seniority.
The Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas unveiled a robot Friday designed to replace dogs and cats. It's a plush baby seal that cuddles and coos and responds very affectionately to human touch. In some parts of the world it could replace sheep.
Barney Frank urged the government Friday to buy foreclosed homes and turn them into workforce housing. It's divisive. Democrats sympathize with migrant workers, whereas Republicans think the United Farm Workers Union was founded by Chivas Regal.
Hillary Clinton's confirmation hearings for Secretary of State begin today in the Senate Foreign Relations committee. She's an expert on China. She can throw it like a Frisbee or hurl it overhand, but she gets her best results throwing lamps.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton