Jewish World Review Jan. 12, 2009 / 16 Teves 5769

And now for the important news ....

By Argus Hamilton

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Michael Jordan launched his new Nike Air Jordan sneaker featuring satin pleats and polishable dress shoe leather. He designed them with a purpose. Barack Obama may have a new armored limo but he'll never be the flashiest basketball player in America.

Somali pirates collected a huge ransom from Saudi Arabia Friday for the tanker they seized. It's about time. It may take a month for that money to get to the cocaine dealers and into their Citibank accounts so it can be used to make home loans.

Congressman Joe Barton offered a bill to replace the BCS with a playoff system Friday. Congress has no authority over college football. Just because the government is taking over the banks and the auto industry doesn't mean the American people will allow them to meddle into something that matters.

Illinois lawmakers said Friday they are using the Clinton impeachment trial as their model in their impeachment of Governor Rod Blagojevich. The cases are not similar in any way. The Illinois governor was trying to use the power of his office to get a job for his wife, while Clinton was trying to get a job from Monica Lewinsky.

Barack Obama vowed to quit smoking last week as security officials told him he won't be allowed to use his BlackBerry. He will go crazy having nothing to do with his hands. He might have to take up knitting just to keep from wrecking his marriage.

Barack Obama startled his own party Monday by revealing he will offer huge tax cuts to businesses and individuals. His life story is such an inspiration. Where else but in America could a poor black Democrat grow up to be a rich white Republican.

Spider Man is helped by Barack Obama in a Marvel Comics issue this month. It's nothing new. Forty-six years ago Action Comics had President Kennedy help protect Clark Kent's identity in return for teaching him how to see through women's clothes.

New York Giants playoff tickets were sold off at record low prices Friday. It's really no surprise. After your cable's been cut off, your flat-screen repossessed and the marshals have locked you out of the house, you need a place to watch the game.

Arab television network Al-Oxen accidentally aired a porno movie Tuesday which station engineers were watching over an international feed. It was a shocking sight for modest Muslim viewers. They have never seen Californians campaigning for governor.

Joe the Plumber was hired Tuesday to cover the Israeli-Hamas war as a reporter in Gaza. He will be safe there. The two most revered figures in the Arab world are the Prophet Mohammed and anybody who can restore running water after an air raid.

The U.S. Navy sailed into the Gulf of Aden off the coast of East Africa Thursday to confront the Somali pirates. This will allow Barack Obama to move swiftly. As a good Democrat he has an obligation to nip this Black Republican movement in the bud.

The White House staff made preparations Thursday for Barack Obama and his wife and little girls to move into the residence. How amazing. It'll be the first time Americans have ever watched a black family grow up on television without a laugh track.

Illinois Senate appointee Roland Burris credited his Senate appointment to Divine Providence. He always knew he would do great things. He's already built a mausoleum for himself in Chicago engraved with all the offices he held and how much he paid for them.

Barack Obama introduced Tim Kaine as the new Democratic Party Chairman Thursday without inviting outgoing chairman Howard Dean to the event. Under Howard Dean's chairmanship the party took control of the House, took control of the U.S. Senate and took control of the White House. For crying out loud, he is practically a fascist.