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Jewish World Review January 16, 2008 / 9 Shevat 5768 Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | My dad was in the hospital last week and I realized, while sitting in the emergency department waiting for him to get a room (Ha! You actually can say that and not be talking about Michael Bolton and Nicolette Sheridan) that there is an unwritten rule of the universe that when you look your worst is precisely the moment when you will run into The Old Boyfriend. I realize this must sound shallow, but my dad would expect nothing less from his youngest born. I crouched behind some sterilizing gizmo to avoid running into a boyfriend I hadn't seen in 30 years because, let's face it, there's nothing like a pre-dawn trip to the E.D. to make you look your best. I'm talking oily hair, no make up, mismatched sweats, the whole not-so-fabulous at 50 picture. He turned out to be a doctor, you see. And when I heard him being paged to the E.D., I nearly threw up on my tangerine velour pants. And, yes, they are every bit as hideous as they sound. While my dad slept peacefully, I peeked around the curtain. Good. No sign of High School Boyfriend. Just like him to be late. Some things never change. Jerk. People could be DYING in here while he just sits around and plays with his stupid Hacky Sack. Oh. Did I mention he DUMPED me? I got mad all over again thinking about it. My dad, I think, asked me what those alarms were that were going off beside his heart monitor. "Huh? What? I dunno," I said. "Why are you crouched like that? Let's open the curtain a little and get some air in here?" "Sorry, can't," I said with what I hoped sounded like authority. "There could be germs and stuff out there. Besides, I have absolutely NO MAKEUP ON." "What's that got to do with anything?" Men. Even in a gown covered with what looks like pawprints, they are way too logical. For generations, women have hidden behind pyramids of apples when they spy an old beau in the grocery store. We never run into Significant Old Boyfriend (SOB) unless we look like dog doo. Remember that great, sad Dan Fogelberg song where he runs into his ex lover on the street one day and they proceed to relive old memories and share some wine? Never happen. Why? She'd see him first, then hit the floor looking for an imaginary lost contact until he got out of the store and she could buy her stool softener in peace. I'm sure lives were saved all around us that day, including mine when I heard those wonderful words: "Oh, he's not on today; call somebody else." Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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