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Jewish World Review January 24, 2008 / 17 Shevat 5768 Shagadelic on the dance floor By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | When I was asked a couple of months ago to participate in a "Dancing With the Stars" shag competition, I was nervous but flattered. But my big-head moment was short-lived after I giddily told a friend that I was going to participate. "You're in `Dancing With the Stars'?" Pearl said, acting just a little too surprised, I thought. And as if that wasn't bad enough, "Which star are you going to dance with?" "What? No! I'm the star!" "Dang," said Pearl. "They must've exhausted the B, C, and D list celebs. Couldn't they get Debby Boone or Tiffany or somebody?" Come to think of it, Pearl and I really aren't all that close. It took a while for me to explain to Pearl that this wasn't THE "Dancing With the Stars" but, rather, a charity fundraiser. I was being paired with a champion shag dancer by the name of Brad, or as I prefer to call him "The Most Patient Man Alive." Having never shagged in my entire life, despite having been born and raised just an hour's drive from Carolina Beach, I was afraid that Brad would be disappointed. "No, no," he said kindly. "I prefer working with a clean slate because that way there won't be any bad habits already ingrained." Oh, honey. My slate wasn't clean, it was boiled and bleached and shrink-wrapped. The basic step took me forever. How did Jane Seymour learn how to samba in five days? Oh, G-d, I take back all those nasty things I said about Jerry Springer's rumba. For the past few weeks, Brad and I have met for shag lessons in the finished room over his garage. We're joined by Sam Cooke, the Temptations and the Rev. Al Green. We're also joined by Brad's huge lab dog, Jeb, who regards my pitiful efforts with a baleful look followed by the occasional poot, which is much the same way I expect the judges to react next week. Brad has patiently demonstrated classic shag moves like the boogie walk, where your legs go all noodle-y and the pivot, a full-speed twirly thing that's scarier than the words President Jeb Bush. Because it's actually a judged competition with me and a few other "stars" going for a trophy, I'm plenty nervous about getting up there in Myrtle Beach, the Shag Capital of the Universe, and competing. Fainting like Marie Osmond isn't completely off the table at this point. Speaking of the universe, it's probably not a good idea to tell your British friends that you're competing in a shag contest because, as you may know from watching Austin Powers, to Brits, shag is another word for doing the devil's aerobics. Just so you'll know. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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