Jewish World Review January 28, 2008 / 21 Shevat 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Wall Street pulled off a stunning three hundred point comeback Wednesday after a global market sell-off Monday. Uncertainty permeates the stock exchange. Nobody knows which securities are backed by mortgages and which are backed by Super Bowl bets.
Eli Manning leads the New York Giants into the Super Bowl a year after brother Peyton Manning did it with Indianapolis. It's amazing. Tom Cruise is having to deny rumors that his wife has been impregnated by frozen sperm belonging to Archie Manning.
Shaquille O'Neal released his list of living expenses on Thursday showing that he spent two hundred fifty thousand dollars on gasoline in the last twelve months. He is so smart. He got out of real estate and into gasoline at exactly the right time.
Phil Mickelson played the Buick Invitational in La Jolla despite his recurring cough. He has the same breathing problems that plague his neighbors in suburban San Diego. Everybody in Rancho de Second Mortgage likes to blame it on the brushfires.
New York Yankees star Johnny Damon flew to Orlando Tuesday to endorse Rudy Giuliani for president. The centerfielder is famous for his amazing likeness to paintings of Jesus. His endorsement was widely seen as the last nail in Mike Huckabee's coffin.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama broke into an open brawl Tuesday during South Carolina's debate before a record-size cable audience. History was made. Usually you have to go all the way to Darfur to see a fight this nasty with no white males in it.
Bill Clinton made headlines again Wednesday fending off attacks from all sides on the trail. One campaign is all about health care, one is all about unity, one is all about the working classes, but the voters aren't fooled. It's always about Bill.
Barack Obama announced Monday he has set up a truth squad to respond to untruthful statements from the Clintons. He thinks that'll keep them honest. Ken Starr laughed so hard that the walls shook at Pepperdine University and caused a mudslide in Malibu.
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama battled over personal qualities Tuesday. They have the same position on health care, the Iraq war, national security and the economy. And that position is, my campaign's historic and you're not going to stop me.
Mike Huckabee courted the evangelical voters Friday ahead of tomorrow's Florida primary. He drew cheers expressing his concern about the amount of sex on television. When will Republicans learn that sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg slammed the White House and Congress Tuesday for the economic stimulus package which he called shortsighted. He declared that the jig's up. A man with that much money shouldn't bait Al Sharpton with language like that.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton