Jewish World Review January 21, 2008 / 14 Shevat 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Green Bay was named America's most overweight city in a national health survey published in a journal last week. It must be true. At the tailgate parties before Sunday's title game at Lambeau Field, the fans were all doing Thousand Island shooters.
Golfweek magazine fired its editor Friday for putting a noose on the cover, referring to a bad joke on the Golf Channel last week. The sport must be careful. Al Sharpton watches the Golf Channel the same way that lottery players watch the ten o'clock news.
World Chess legend Bobby Fischer died last Friday in Iceland. He once beat the Soviet champion and the IBM supercomputer in successive matches. Bobby Fischer was eulogized as the only man in the world who routinely referred to Bill Gates as Retardo.
Bill Clinton lost his temper at a reporter when asked Wednesday if he's trying to suppress Nevada turnout. Everyone understands why the former president is so agitated. It's the tenth anniversary of the Monica Lewinsky scandal and he's due again.
Mitt Romney tried to connect with Las Vegas voters on a personal level Friday in campaign stops. He doesn't gamble, drink or cheat on his wife, but he can do one thing no other candidate can do for the Nevada voter. Mitt Romney can buy their house.
Barack Obama raised the ire of Democrats Wednesday by praising Ronald Reagan's vision. That's as far as his wife would let him go to carry Nevada. She put her foot down when he tried to put a Confederate flag on the back of his campaign bus.
Arnold Schwarzenegger warned of a huge budget deficit Friday. He may order ten percent spending cuts. He doesn't want to go to Washington to ask for help because he's afraid if he goes to Capitol Hill he'll be dragged into a steroid hearing.
The New York Stock Exchange was a bloodbath Thursday as investors lost billions. It was a massive sell-off. Investors should have seen this coming the moment Jessica Simpson rang the opening bell wearing Charles Schwab's football jersey.
Psychology Today published a study Thursday of the likes and dislikes of schoolchildren in America, which revealed that most children hate clowns. It's not just the children who hate clowns. Why do you think Congress has such low approval ratings?
Congress drew up an emergency stimulus bill Thursday which could give everyone in America five hundred dollars. It won't help at all. If people take the money to Wal-Mart it stimulates China and if they take it to the gas station it funds terrorism.
Las Vegas casinos were permitted to be used as caucus sites for Democratic party voters in Nevada yesterday. The casinos are full of hot waitresses in thongs and bikinis. Bill Clinton has to be led through the state with horse blinders on his head.
Hillary Clinton gave a speech in South Central Los Angeles Thursday and quoted Martin Luther King in an attempt to reach out to black people. The audience just stared at her. If her advance people had done their homework she would have quoted Cesar Chavez.
The South Carolina primary got nasty toward the end on Thursday. One hate group got its dirty campaign literature mixed up. They passed out flyers which brought up John McCain's past cocaine use and accused Barack Obama of fathering a black child.
Oprah Winfrey got her own cable network Monday to add to Oprah's talk show and Oprah's magazine, Oprah's book club, Oprah's girls school and Oprah's presidential candidate. She's almost there. She just signed a deal with eye surgeons to have her image put on the back of everyone's eyelids so that we even see Oprah in our sleep.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton