Jewish World Review January 16, 2008 / 9 Shevat 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Britney Spears caused a riot Monday when she arrived hours late at Los Angeles Court for her child custody hearing. It had its effect on the ruling. The judge seemed to agree that the infant boys are no longer capable of caring for their mother.
Peyton Manning appeared in a cookie commercial with brother Eli Manning during Sunday's football game that many viewers found creepy. The two grown men competed to lick the creme off a cookie. It made the Tony Awards look like a John Wayne movie.
Princess Diana's butler told an inquest Monday that Diana's mother called her a whore for dating Muslim men. The princess descended from one of England's noblest families. Only the beer lines at Daytona have more Earls in it than the Spencer family.
Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens cried at his press conference Sunday after losing to the New York Giants. He got a lot of support. Hillary Clinton called him in the locker room and told him that if he really wants to win he should cry before the game.
Bill and Hillary Clinton went on the air Sunday to defuse black outrage at them over remarks on race. It was great fun. The best show in politics is watching the Clintons hanging upside-down in a straitjacket and seeing if they can get out alive.
Hillary Clinton hosted a staff meeting in the Polo Lounge of the Beverly Hills Hotel on Friday. The bar offers a twenty-five dollar martini. It's made with two ounces of Bombay gin and a splash of unleaded supreme, so they are selling it at cost.
Barack Obama called a press conference in Reno Monday to try to calm down the tone in his primary contest with Hillary Clinton. It pits a candidate from the oppressor gender and victim race against someone from the oppressor race and victim gender. It has Democrats spinning in circles so fast they're too dizzy to vote.
Barack Obama said Monday Hillary Clinton's reference to Martin Luther King last week was unfortunate. She said it took President Johnson and Congress to get the Civil Rights Bill passed forty years ago. It is totally against the spirit of today's Democratic party to say anything nice about a president with a ranch in Texas.
BET founder Bob Johnson brought up Barack Obama's past cocaine use in a speech Tuesday. The candidate was raised in Los Angeles in the atmosphere of the late Seventies. Barack Obama was halfway through Harvard before he found out that blow is also a verb.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton