Jewish World Review January 15, 2008 / 8 Shevat 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
O.J. Simpson was flown back to Las Vegas and jailed on Wednesday. This is a town that lets you drink alcohol on the streets and gamble and buy hookers twenty-four hours a day. It takes an athlete of O.J. Simpson's caliber to break the law in Las Vegas.
The Detroit Auto Show unveiled fifty new models for six thousand journalists Sunday. The new sport utility vehicles are larger than ever. The average American car weighs fifty percent more than it did twenty years ago but then so does the average American.
Bill Clinton made black people feel betrayed last week when he implied that Barack Obama's candidacy was a fairy tale. They protected him against Republicans. Bill Clinton is the first white Southerner to move into Harlem for his own personal safety.
Mike Huckabee said a woman in Michigan told him on Friday she had no money to donate so she offered him a gold ring. He took it. It's an example of why fortune tellers are promising comedians eight years of Nixon jokes if Huckabee gets elected president.
Hillary Clinton went on NBC's Meet the Press Sunday to answer charges that she has made unflattering remarks about civil rights heroes. She looked puzzled when she was asked about the King criticism. She would never criticize Elvis, she's married to him.
Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of injecting race into the campaign. Last week, her husband said the word fairy in the same sentence as Obama's name, and she just used the word injections. Now that the Clintons have implied that he's gay and shares needles, Barack Obama could carry California without even campaigning out here.
The Globe tabloid showed scratches on President Bush's face when he returned from Crawford as evidence of marriage trouble. Things have changed. When Bill Clinton used to come downstairs with scratches on his face you knew he was having a good week.
Congress moved baseball's steroid hearings back a month Thursday. They want to depose players under oath before they testify. Roger Clemens' lawyer told him to take the fifth, but he's afraid the Wild Turkey will interact with the steroids and kill him.
The PGA Tour published its anti-doping manual for players last week, which lists banned substances. Along with steroids the list includes hemorrhoid creams. That means the older Tiger Woods gets, the harder it's going to be for him to sit on a lead.
Britney Spears vacationed in Mexico Wednesday with the photographer who picked her up on Sunset Boulevard the day before, when her Mercedes-Benz had a flat. She is just using him. Most cupholders are inanimate objects on the driver's armrest.
Barack Obama addressed crowds in New Jersey and South Carolina after Tuesday's loss. He said America is ready for a new generation of leadership. Hillary Clinton immediately called her agent and told him she is not ready to play the Bob Dole roles.
Hillary Clinton thanked New Hampshire voters on Tuesday for nudging her into being less programmed onstage. She insisted that she's spontaneous and unscripted now. It would have been more convincing if she hadn't put on her glasses to read it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton