Jewish World Review January 11, 2008 / 4 Shevat 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton took off the gloves against Barack Obama Wednesday. Everyone's looking forward to this match-up. It promises to be such a dogfight that Michael Vick has to vote Republican just to keep from violating the terms of his plea bargain.
Tony Romo spent last weekend in Mexico with Jessica Simpson, where she promoted her new movie and revealed her plans to record a country album. He's way out of his league. Tigers are fenced off at the Los Angeles Zoo to guard them from actresses.
Britney Spears abandoned her Mercedes-Benz on Sunset Boulevard Monday when the car had a flat. She flagged a ride home. Social Services in Los Angeles will hold a hearing next week to decide if she should ever be allowed to drive a Mercedes again.
Barack Obama supporters blamed their defeat in New Hampshire Tuesday on what's called the Tom Bradley effect, where people tell pollsters they will vote for a black candidate but don't in the voting booth. It's a great victory for democracy. Why should candidates be the only ones who are allowed to lie about what they're going to do?
Senator Larry Craig's lawyer appealed his lewd conduct bust in an airport bathroom. It just isn't fair. They strip everyone down at airport security and expect senators to control themselves, which is like asking the pilots to stop at half a beer.
Golf Digest reports Tiger Woods made a hundred and twenty million dollars last year and he will be a billionaire in two years. Good for him. Swinging a golf club is the most unnatural act in sports except for winning the Cy Young award seven times.
Terry Bradshaw said Tuesday he'll retire when his contract ends in three years at Fox Sports. He just appeared nude from the back in the movie Failure to Launch, prompting protests from theater owners. These guys live and die on their concession stand sales.
Bill Richardson dropped out of the presidential race Wednesday after a valiant effort. He needs to get back home. It's been so long since he was in New Mexico the voters were starting to believe that they had outsourced the job of governor to India.
Hillary Clinton's win Tuesday was attributed to her teary-eyed moment in a New Hampshire diner. It had to happen eventually. Sooner or later waitresses in the state were going to start automatically adding a fifteen percent gratuity to the bill.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton