Jewish World Review January 7, 2008 / 29 Teves, 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton got twenty-nine percent of the vote in Iowa Thursday. She must be proud. It's the best a woman's done in one of these things since Gennifer Flowers got three hundred thousand dollars from the Enquirer during the New Hampshire primary.
Elizabeth Edwards saluted her husband onstage after he finished second in Iowa Thursday. They have prepared for Iowa since they got married. On their honeymoon night thirty years ago, Elizabeth Edwards came to bed dressed as a corn subsidy.
Iran's government announced Thursday that its one-thousand-megawatt nuclear reactor will be up and running by early spring. The reactor is located near the Persian Gulf port city of Bushehr. They might as well change the name of the city to Bush Here.
NASA delayed the launching of the Space Shuttle Atlantis again on Thursday due to a problem with the fuel tank. They said they will try again in February. You'd think that at one hundred dollars a barrel the thing would skyrocket by itself.
London stage rehearsals began Friday for a new musical based on the movie Gone with the Wind. It's a loving look at plantation life in the South just before the Civil War. So for Barack Obama, this week it was two steps forward and one step back.
Lake Tahoe was buried by blizzards Friday while downstate, Los Angeles was drenched by rainstorms accompanied by high winds and low temperatures. Florida got snowfall and freezing weather. Americans are just lucky that cars run on corn and not orange juice.
Roger Clemens told CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday he took lidocaine, not steroids, in the locker room. He said he and his pal Andy Pettitte got regular injections in the rear end from the trainer. Now he must go back on the show next week to deny that he's gay.
Britney Spears was hospitalized Friday after losing a custody dispute to Kevin Federline. Her lawyers resigned, saying she's self-absorbed and sliding downhill fast. It makes you wonder if Kevin Federline ought to seek custody of Chelsea Clinton.
New York window washer Alcides Moreno came out of a coma in remarkable health Friday. He fell forty-seven stories and still survived. He shares the title of the world's luckiest man with Bill Clinton, who told forty-seven stories and still survived.
Mike Huckabee won a big victory in Iowa Thursday. People like his manner. He's for teaching creationism, a national sales tax, and scholarships for illegal aliens, but he says it in such a folksy way that people think it's a recipe for fried chicken.
Rudy Giuliani's supporters were dismayed Thursday night at his pitiful showing in Iowa. Only a terrorist attack can save Rudy's candidacy now. Unfortunately for him the terrorists have promised they will never cross the Writers Guild picket line.
Senators Joe Biden and Chris Dodd quit the Democratic race for president Friday after the votes were counted in Iowa. They were by far the most knowledgeable and most experienced and most serious of all of the presidential candidates. So they had to go.
Hillary Clinton declared Friday in New Hampshire that she is the most innocent off all the candidates. She said she's been investigated for sixteen years and has no secrets. When women lose their air of mystery the next thing they lose is Iowa.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton