Jewish World Review January 11, 2008 / 4 Shevat 5768

This research is monkey business

By Lori Borgman

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Capuchin monkeys have been playing a "no-fair" game at Emory University.

Researchers trained the monkeys to take a small rock and hand it to a human in exchange for a reward. If all the monkeys received the same reward, a slice of cucumber, everything was cool. If some received cucumbers and some received grapes, the monkeys screamed, "No-fair!" (although it sounded a lot more like "Eeeee-eeeee! Eeee!") and bedlam broke loose.

You have to wonder if the researchers got the idea for this study from their own kids.

My personal experience has been that the "no-fair" game is not something to cultivate, but something to eradicate.

"No, your sister is not the favorite because she gets to sit in the front seat and you have to sit in the back seat with a cooler, an emergency car kit and Grandma on your lap. Your sister is just faster, that's all."

"No, I don't think the lady gave you a smaller ice cream cone because she doesn't like boys. I think she saw you smash your face and hands and tongue against the window and make a hideous face before we came in the store."

"No, it's not fair that there aren't as many baby pictures of you in the photo album because you were the last one born and Dad and I ran out of energy. Get the camera and I can take some now. You're 22? When did that happen?"

Researchers, who frequently swing from a different tree, see whining and complaining over "no-fair" as a mark of advanced development.

Frankly, I find it impressive that researchers can study such ugly behavior and make it all sound so sophisticated. So progressive. So insightful.

"Jones, look at that. No. 3 is furious over getting a cucumber instead of a grape. He is leaping over to No. 5, baring his teeth, and sinking them into No. 5's flesh. Fascinating! What remarkable thought processes! "

Let similar behavior take place in a grocery store and a parent's thought is never, "What remarkable thought processes!" but rather, "How can I stop these chimps from killing one another without creating a scene and being followed by store security?"

What I'm waiting for is the day when monkeys do research on humans. "Look at that, Cheeta, they're fighting over some piece of paper called a paycheck. Dude 2 says Dude 3 got a bigger one. Wow! Dude 2 is turning red and his eyes are bulging! Look at Dude 3 scream. What apes!"

And then the researcher monkeys laugh their little heads off, throw cucumber slices at the humans and eat more grapes.

Perhaps it is useful to know that bickering over who got the bigger and better may actually be a sign of advanced intellect.

Now, when you pass out birthday cake and one slice is slightly larger than the rest and a kid protests, you can simply comment on how brilliant the child is and then tell said child to cut out the monkey business and eat the cake.

I always considered hissy fits over "no-fair" something that fell into the category of unattractive behavior. I am stunned to learn that researchers believe such shenanigans are a sign of evolutionary progress.

I'll be a monkey's uncle.