Jewish World Review Jan. 22, 2007 /3 Shevat, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
United States heavyweight wrestler Mo Lawal was cheered by Iranian wrestling fans when he won a gold medal in Iran Friday. Americans are genuinely admired by Iranians. They tried for years to get Saddam Hussein in a choke hold and couldn't do it.
The New York Post said Friday the Four Seasons Hotel is charging two hundred dollars for a baked potato. It's made with white truffles. They didn't think customers would be willing to pay the market price for fresh fruit from California.
Sunkist Growers said three-fourths of California's orange crop was destroyed by the freeze. Shoppers are now paying three dollars an orange in Beverly Hills. If they want the blemishes taken off the navels it's the usual six thousand dollars.
Lindsay Lohan gave an interview to Entertainment Tonight Thursday describing her first night in alcohol rehab. The press was hounding her. Nowadays anyone with a withdrawal plan needs a personal assistant to manage all the press inquiries.
Peter O'Toole gave an interview to USA Today Thursday in which he reminisced on his first movie role as Lawrence of Arabia. The movie ends with the creation of Lebanon and Syria and Saudi Arabia and Iraq. Dr. Strangelove had a happier ending.
Michael Vick was stopped at Miami Airport Wednesday for having a water bottle with a hidden drug compartment containing pot. It just never ends. Pro football is the only sport whose bubble gum cards show a front and side view of every player.
Clara Harris was ordered by a Houston jury Friday to pay nearly four million dollars for running over her cheating husband in the driveway five years ago. Those were the days. Today gasoline is so expensive that women in Houston who want to run over their cheating husbands in the driveway have to carpool.
Jesse Jackson said Thursday it's all but certain he will endorse Barack Obama for president. Let the bidding begin. Barack Obama has already offered ten million dollars and a cabinet post if he will endorse Hillary Clinton instead.
Barack Obama continued to soar in the polls Friday, wielding a public persona that's very difficult for comedians and satirists to undermine. Any joke at all about him could be construed as racist. Comedians who want to avoid the Michael Richards outcome will continue telling Bill Clinton jokes at least eight more years.
Congress issued new rules Friday designed to protect House pages from sexual advances by U.S. congressmen. Every day these teen volunteers perform a valuable public service. They exhaust the congressmen before they can get to the taxpayers.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Thursday he's not intimidated by the U.S. fleet in the Persian Gulf. Is he nuts? A hundred years from now the Iranian government will be demanding that the London Museum return the Ahmadinejad Marbles.
Condoleezza Rice said Thursday she got the Israelis and Palestinians to agree to a summit meeting on the second day of February. Palestinians will demand the right of return and the Israelis will refuse to withdraw from the West Bank and the meeting will adjourn in anger. They're holding it on Groundhog Day for a reason.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton