Jewish World Review Jan. 15, 2007 / 25 Teves, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
David Beckham made world headlines Friday when he left Madrid to play soccer in Los Angeles. He agreed to a five-year package worth two hundred and fifty million dollars. Getting fired from Home Depot was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Los Angeles was hit by a freak cold front resulting in freezing temperatures and scattered flurries on Friday. The Hollywood Hills were dusted with snow and ice. From a distance it looked like Charlie Sheen had finally sold his old coffee table.
Barry Bonds tested positive for amphetamine use last season, according to lab reports released Thursday. Nobody could believe it. He moved so slowly in left field last year that the test result is a serious blow to the good name of amphetamine.
Steve Wynn sued Lloyd's of London Tuesday to collect on the Picasso painting he ruined when he put his elbow through it. He caused fifty million dollars in destruction with one wave of his arm. He has everything it takes to have his own library at SMU.
Senator Barbara Boxer told Condi Rice in Senate hearings Thursday she has no personal stake in Iraq because she has no family. What an absolute jerk. It took Democrats a week in power to make the Bush administration look like innocent victims.
The Lundberg Survey reported Friday that oil prices on the world market have fallen fifteen percent since New Year's. Oil was down to fifty-one dollars a barrel on Thursday. The next day Los Angeles had forty-mile-an-hour winds, and that was just the Priuses getting blown off the road by all the Hummers coming out of storage.
Barry Bonds tested positive for amphetamines, it was revealed Thursday. He cheated on his wife, he cheated on his taxes and he cheated in baseball. If only he had denied having weapons of mass destruction, our troops might be spending the winter in San Francisco.
New Jersey threw out a one-hundred-fifty-year-old law Thursday that prevents idiots from voting. It threw the presidential race into chaos. As if Hillary Clinton wasn't facing enough problems, William Shatner is now leading in New Jersey.
Yale University singers got beaten up at a San Francisco New Year's party for singing the U.S. national anthem. It's not a patriotic town. Nancy Pelosi was just sworn in as House Speaker with one hand on a copy of Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail.
Denver was chosen over New York Thursday to host the Democratic Convention next year. It was an easy decision. New York is known for its wide ethnic diversity while Denver is heavily Hispanic, and the Democrats wanted a city that looks like America.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton