Jewish World Review Jan. 8, 2007 / 18 Teves, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi became the first woman to be Speaker of the House on Thursday. She said she's not going to impeach the president, and she's not going to cut off funding for the war, and she's not going to reverse the GOP tax cuts. President Bush is so sure it's a trap he now sleeps in a different bed every night.
The New York Post cited a survey released Thursday showing the average price for a Manhattan apartment passed one million dollars last year. It's really hard on minorities. Democrats have begun demanding affordable housing for Alex Rodriguez.
The New York Mercantile Exchange last week reported lower prices per barrel of oil on the world market. How nice. This news was published in the newspapers for the benefit of gas stations, which otherwise wouldn't learn about it for months.
United Airlines workers at Chicago's O'Hare Airport reported seeing a UFO over Concourse C last fall. The brightly-lit saucer hovered briefly, then took off. They just stayed long enough for the aliens to register for Social Security benefits.
Nancy Pelosi gave a speech to the House Thursday after taking the gavel as Speaker. She presented herself as an Italian grandmother from Baltimore. You would never have guessed she represented San Francisco until she led the House in the YMCA spellout.
Hillary Clinton was sworn into the Senate Thursday with her hand on a Bible which was held by her husband Bill. You could see it was an old dog-eared family Bible. It still has the yellow highlighting on the passages that say oral sex is not adultery.
Miami Dolphins coach Nick Saban agreed to coach the Alabama Crimson Tide for eight years and thirty-two million dollars. Reaction was swift. Warren Buffett is trying to figure out if it's a smart move to buy a college and make himself coach.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid revealed his life story in a CNN interview Wednesday. He said he learned how to swim at a Nevada whorehouse where the madam gave him five dollars for Christmas. You never forget your first year in an American legislature.
Democrat Barney Frank on Wednesday demanded that businesses accept single-payer health care, higher wages, lower executive pay and more unions. He'll see the light. When Barney Frank gets steamrollered by American businesses he'll be a flat tax man.
U.S. Congressman Keith Ellison was sworn in Thursday with his hand on a Koran that belonged to Thomas Jefferson. It's not surprising that the third president liked to read the Koran. He consulted it for advice on how to keep women covered up.
The White House struck a deal with Mexico Tuesday to allow illegal aliens to receive Social Security benefits. Mexico was ecstatic. Mexico's president may fly to Washington next week to help President Bush celebrate Sinko de Poll Numbers.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton