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February 13, 2012
Binyamin Rose: Back to the Bunker: How a life-risking act by a Christian family during the Holocaust saved a family and built a thriving community a world away
Menachem Wecker: Business Schools Teach Real Estate Despite Troubled Housing Market
February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
February 9, 2012
Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
Jan. 6, 2006
/ 6 Teves, 5766
The (very) old college try
By
Gene Weingarten
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
I did something really stupid last month. It is painful to retell, but if I can save just one reader from making the same mistake and suffering the same agony, my sacrifice will be worth it.
Back story: In college, I had a very young English Lit professor who was, as Chaucer might have said, a fayre mayden, betrothed not / with flaxen hayre and bodye hotte. How hotte? When it rained, she sizzled. I once actually tried to hit on this teacher, an experience so humiliating that the details of it remain closeted in that part of the brain that includes such things as the death of beloved relatives, the pain of dental care and the trauma of one's own birth.
Anyway, last month I decided to consult the Internet to find out what that professor was up to these days. No, that was not the really stupid thing I did. In fact, I was delighted to discover that she has had a distinguished career. Then, I thought: Hmm, I wonder if there are any recent pictures of her on the Web?
That was the really stupid thing I did.
As I sat there at my computer, my wife passed by, looked over my shoulder and said, "Who is that sweet little old lady?"
Think Barbara Bush. No, think Granny Clampett.
When you are 54, as I am, it is unwise to take any action that might suddenly penetrate your carefully constructed latticework of denial, and remind you that you are Getting On In Years. This may well be the explanation of that otherwise inexplicable dirge, sung by a million drunks in a thousand bars, "May old acquaintance be forgot."
I applaud denial. It's a powerful tool for peace of mind. When, several years ago, I contracted a serious illness that can sometimes be fatal, I took refuge in the World Almanac. "Hey, in the year 1450, the average life expectancy was 39! I'm already waay ahead of the game!"
Here's another game I play: I can't be old yet because I am still younger than the president of the United States. This past election was no threat to my state of denial, although it did occur to me that, had Kerry won, his vice president would be one heartbeat away from my sudden decrepitude. Still, denial knows no shame. I have no doubt that when the dreaded day arrives and we get a president born after Oct. 2, 1951, I will rejoice because I am still younger than the pope.
It is easier to accept aging if your milestones arrive gradually. For example, when I was young, I preferred window seats in the airplane, better to fully appreciate the majesty of flight. Gradually I came to like the aisle seats, better to appreciate the majesty of easier bathroom access. I accepted that with grace.
The problem is, there are the occasional big setbacks. As I took my aisle seat one day not long ago, I noticed that the middle seat was unoccupied. The plane was almost full. At that moment, a spectacularly attractive young woman was walking down the aisle toward me, looking for her seat. I realized, to my dismay, that I was actually hoping she sat elsewhere because I wanted the extra legroom. At that moment I had become an old joke, the elderly man who found a magic frog by the side of the road. "If you kiss me," the frog said, "I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man just stuck the frog in his pocket and kept walking. "Didn't you hear what I said?" the frog croaked. "I heard you," the old man said, "but at my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."
So, that was a setback as was my discovery that my old teacher had become, in fact, my Old teacher. And, most recently, I had the biggest setback of all. I threw my back out.
There is nothing quite like back pain to transform a middle-aged person into Father Time. You walk bent at the waist with one hand on your hip. You become a little teacup, short and stout. An antique.
It was during this convalescence that I began to wonder if, at a certain age, there is a better alternative to denial: not just acceptance, but total surrender. Become an old coot. A geezer. I could get an ear trumpet, pull my pants up to my nipples, and lean over the steering wheel of my Crown Vic so it looks like my fedora is driving. I could start chasing young whippersnappers from my front yard, waving a four-toed cane.
It's a thought. Hey, I might finally be able to put the moves on my old prof.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.
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