Jewish World Review Jan. 30, 2006 / 30 Teves, 5766

And now for the important news ....

By Argus Hamilton

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The Super Bowl, it was reported Thursday, will air worldwide from Ford Stadium in Detroit. The game will be televised live to two hundred and forty countries in thirty-two languages. Apparently all the new Ford plants have a satellite hook-up for the game.

Bubba Watson wowed galleries at the Buick Invitational in La Jolla, averaging three hundred sixty yards off the tee. He was nearly penalized for slow play. After his drive on the eleventh hole he got caught in the traffic coming back from Mexico.

Democratic U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer demanded a special counsel to probe Jack Abramoff's influence on Republican congressmen Friday. Democrats are clean as a whistle here. Whenever a lobbyist takes them to Scotland, they count every stroke.

The Architect of the Capitol closed the U.S. Capitol's central staircase for four months to fix a leak. His office maintains the building's structural integrity. If Senator Byrd loses his marbles the architect's office is in charge of finding them.

The California Assembly passed a bill legalizing the cultivation of hemp for industrial uses. Hemp is the biological cousin of marijuana. They were once on the Jerry Springer Show together but they were thrown out for being too mellow to fight.

Israel reacted warily to the election victory by Hamas Thursday. Don't expect peace overtures. Israel was willing to let bygones be bygones until the leader of Hamas assured a victory rally that Jerusalem will once again be a chocolate city.

Saddam Hussein's defense lawyers said Thursday he will sue President Bush and Tony Blair for destroying Iraq's environment and ecosystem. Just look at the movie billboards. In the last year alone penguins have been replaced by gay cowboys.

Oprah Winfrey apologized Thursday for promoting James Frey's recovery memoir, A Million Little Pieces. It was obvious this guy hadn't recovered from alcoholism. Those weren't cufflinks he was wearing on the Larry King Show, they were curb feelers.

Hillary Clinton blasted the White House on Wednesday for spying illegally on American citizens. That's a change of heart. She wasn't against spying when she had that peephole installed in the Oval Office behind the portrait of Jack Kennedy.