Jewish World Review Jan. 30, 2006 / 30 Teves, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Super Bowl, it was reported Thursday, will air worldwide
from Ford Stadium in Detroit. The game will be televised live to
two hundred and forty countries in thirty-two languages. Apparently
all the new Ford plants have a satellite hook-up for the game.
Bubba Watson wowed galleries at the Buick Invitational in La
Jolla, averaging three hundred sixty yards off the tee. He was
nearly penalized for slow play. After his drive on the eleventh
hole he got caught in the traffic coming back from Mexico.
Democratic U.S. Senator Chuck Schumer demanded a special
counsel to probe Jack Abramoff's influence on Republican
congressmen Friday. Democrats are clean as a whistle here.
Whenever a lobbyist takes them to Scotland, they count every stroke.
The Architect of the Capitol closed the U.S. Capitol's
central staircase for four months to fix a leak. His office
maintains the building's structural integrity. If Senator Byrd
loses his marbles the architect's office is in charge of finding them.
The California Assembly passed a bill legalizing the
cultivation of hemp for industrial uses. Hemp is the biological
cousin of marijuana. They were once on the Jerry Springer Show
together but they were thrown out for being too mellow to fight.
Israel reacted warily to the election victory by Hamas
Thursday. Don't expect peace overtures. Israel was willing to let
bygones be bygones until the leader of Hamas assured a victory
rally that Jerusalem will once again be a chocolate city.
Saddam Hussein's defense lawyers said Thursday he will sue
President Bush and Tony Blair for destroying Iraq's environment
and ecosystem. Just look at the movie billboards. In the last year
alone penguins have been replaced by gay cowboys.
Oprah Winfrey apologized Thursday for promoting James Frey's
recovery memoir, A Million Little Pieces. It was obvious this guy
hadn't recovered from alcoholism. Those weren't cufflinks he was
wearing on the Larry King Show, they were curb feelers.
Hillary Clinton blasted the White House on Wednesday for spying illegally on American citizens. That's a change of heart. She wasn't against spying when she had that peephole installed in the Oval Office behind the portrait of Jack Kennedy.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton