Jewish World Review Jan. 23, 2006 / 23 Teves, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The White House gave Cuba permission Friday to compete in
the World Baseball Classic in San Diego. For safety's sake let's
hope there's no swimming pool at the team's hotel. Any Cuban
player who can swim already plays for the United States.
The Donald Trump Golf Club finally opened Friday in Palos
Verdes. During the early phases of course construction the
eighteenth hole slid into the ocean. It took deep-sea treasure
hunters six years to retrieve all the California real estate.
Oprah Winfrey's jet had to make an emergency return to Santa
Barbara Airport after the windshield was smashed by a duck. It's
always something. Oprah will believe anything an author tells her
and now even a duck didn't live up to its name.
Hollywood private eye Tony Pellicano was accused of illegal
wiretapping last week. He's a loyal friend to many in show
business. When news broke that Katie Holmes was pregnant, he
called Tom Cruise and promised he would kill the man who did this.
ABC's Commander in Chief was reported Friday to be sinking
in the ratings, sparking whispers of cancellation. The show is
about the first female president. Hillary Clinton placed an emergency
call to the head writer Tuesday and suggested an intern scandal.
Osama bin Laden released an audiotape recording Thursday in which
he offered a truce to the American people for the first time. Nobody was
falling for it. Never believe anything a man says when he is drunk, in
love, or running for office.
Alex Rodriguez opted Monday to play for the U.S. in the World
Baseball Classic and not the Dominican Republic. He had an epiphany just
before the deadline. When he saw how many corporate advertisers there
are in the Dominican he decided to play for Delaware.
The Texas Longhorns, it was reported Thursday, have doubled their
licensing royalties since winning the Rose Bowl. The athletic department
has taken in eight million dollars but players got nothing. The ethics
rules in college football are much stricter than they are in the U.S.
Hillary Clinton slammed President Bush Wednesday for outsourcing
the nuclear negotiations with Iran to America's allies. She used the
same verb to describe British diplomats that's used to describe tech
support operators in India. The only question left is, has she already
promised Secretary of State to Don Rickles?
Ted Kennedy just quit Harvard's Owl Club because they ban women members. Last week he ripped Sam Alito for belonging to an all-male alumni group. Doctors describe Senator Kennedy's condition as an allergic reaction to Brokeback Mountain.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton