Jewish World Review Jan. 12, 2006 / 12 Teves, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
USC quarterback Matt Leinart hired a Beverly Hills agent
Monday to represent him in this year's pro draft. This guy will
command a fortune. He doesn't have a very good arm but innocent
faces are at a premium in the National Football League.
Pete Rose begged Major League baseball for reinstatement
Monday. He's banned from baseball for gambling and sordid
activity. His reputation is such that if he is reinstated he could
become owner and general manager of the Washington Lobbyists.
Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff pleaded guilty to bribing
congressmen last week. It happens he went to the same high school
as Monica Lewinsky. At Beverly Hills High School they teach sex
education and American civics under the same table.
The Dow Jones broke eleven thousand Monday, prompting
investors to dive back into the stock market. The boom is fueled
by new products. There are now surgical video monitors that allow
a heart surgeon to operate on you while he is day-trading.
Bill Clinton returned from Paris Monday where he'd met with
French President Jacques Chirac. He was there to discuss plans for
his Clinton Foundation. He visited France's most holy shrine and
placed a rolled-up prayer in the Cheating Wall.
President Bush signed a bill at the White House Tuesday to
crack down on the trafficking of human beings. He said every year
young women are being brought into this country and forced to
submit to unspeakable evil. The latest statistics show that Donald
Trump is marrying them faster than the Coast Guard can rescue them.
Iran broke the U.N. seals on its nuclear facility Monday and went back to work on its bomb. There's a bright side. If Iran gets nuclear weapons and the means to deliver them, Social Security may be solvent a dozen years longer than we need it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton