David Grimes
Stay unfit with flab magazine
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Almost two of every three Americans are either overweight or obese, yet all you ever read about is diet tips or new, agonizing ways to exercise.
Clearly, this makes no sense, which is why I'm launching a new magazine aimed at the soft underbelly of your average Joe called Men's Flabbiness.
Here's a preview of some of the articles in the first edition:
"Droopy Abs — Five Secrets to Expanding Your Gut": Achieving droopy abs is not easy; it requires serious inattention. Try to avoid bending down to pick up anything, as that will only encourage muscle tone where you don't want it. If you drop, say, a wedge of brie or a mortadella and bacon sandwich with extra mayo, ask someone to pick it up for you. If necessary, give them money.
"Subtract Two Inches From Your Biceps In Under Three Weeks!": Nothing says "flabbiness" like loose, shapeless upper arms that swing gently in the breeze. This kind of look can be yours and you don't have to do a thing! In fact, that's the secret!
Unsightly upper-arm development can occur without you even knowing it. For example, did you ever stop to think that when you push yourself away from the dinner table, you are actually exercising your biceps? From now on, have family members pull the table away from you. Or, even better, never leave the table!
"Exclusive! Our Tenth Annual Fattest Cities Report!": We are proud to announce that, for the fourth year in a row, the fattest city in the USA is … Houston! With 38 percent of its population considered clinically obese, Houston is one big, fat, tub of goo.
How, you may wonder, can my city get Supersized? Here's the Houston trifecta: Muck up your air quality (Houston has some of the worst pollution in the country), eat more Big Macs (Houston has more fast food joints per capita than any other city) and watch lots and lots of TV. Houston, you don't have a problem. You look great to us!
"Pack on Pounds With Our North Beach Diet!": Would you like to gain 10 pounds in 24 hours? Would you like to never stop eating? Of course you would! Our crack team of highly trained flabologists will show you how with recipes for batter-fried Twinkies, fried pork chops with Velveeta cheese sauce plus 12 new and exciting dishes involving lard! We don't know about you, but we've gained two pants sizes just thinking about it!
"Golf: The Sport Of The Rotund": Looking for a sport that involves little or no exercise and yet allows you to eat and drink at the same time? Then golf is for you!
Golf's flab-enhancing benefits begin when the clubhouse attendant lifts your clubs out of the trunk for you and ends five hours later over drinks and snacks at the bar. In between, you'll be touring fields of green while seated comfortably in an electric cart. (Roofs and windshields are provided to protect you from bugs and unwanted sunshine.)
Golf, we are happy to report, may be the only game that you can gain weight while playing! Fore! … more beers, please!
Appreciate this column? Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
12/17/04: Kids may celebrate as parents revolt
12/06/04: The price of singing
11/24/04: For the holiday: Films that are real turkeys
11/16/04: An election to drive you crazy
11/10/04: A pet by any other name
11/04/04: What to do when you've got the flu
10/26/04: I can't believe They did it: This is identity theft on a grand scale
10/18/04: Finnish man shows that husbands have hidden worth
10/15/04: Science tales from the fringe
10/06/04: Movies go to the dogs
09/29/04: Talking carts spice up shopping
09/22/04: Big Bad Wolf sets the record straight
09/13/04: How not to kill a skeeter
09/09/04: 54th state? Confusion
08/30/04: Even teens can tire of TV, IHOP
08/24/04: The real story of Miss Muffet
08/17/04: Flaming Gaseous Man, away!
07/28/04: Signs say more than intended
07/21/04: Phoning in my novel
07/14/04: Turning sand into gold
07/07/04: Along came a spider and sat down beside her
06/29/04: There must be a law
06/21/04: The many hazards of TV sports
06/15/04: Computer dust causes a mighty stir
05/25/04: Guess what's coming to dinner?
05/18/04: Dogs have changed for the worse
05/11/04: You rant, you pay
05/03/04: A new generation of civility
04/27/04: Repeat at your own risk
04/19/04: Brits learn grammar from Americans
04/05/04: Got those customer survey blues
03/31/04: Name that planetoid
03/24/04: Mind-melding is not for the squeamish
03/16/04: Write that novel — QUICK!
03/10/04: Turns out robots are as unhelpful as people
03/02/04: Dictators' softer side
02/23/04: Is there life after Ken?
02/18/04: California needs its chi adjusted
02/11/04: Pleeze by sum stuph frum me
02/03/04: A tale of two generations
01/28/04: Warning: Labels on products are getting wackier and wackier
01/21/04: It's a computer! No, it's a side dish! Skeptical? Look under the hood
01/07/04: Nursery rhymes to scare the kids by
12/30/03: Ear-scratcher fingered by police
12/24/03: Gifts for that not-so-special someone
12/18/03: Things we hate to do
12/09/03: Keep your name out of this book
12/03/03: When tots control the world
11/18/03: Danger: TVs falling from above
11/11/03: Songs that won't go away
11/04/03: Keep technology away from the monkeys
10/29/03: A career of sensational regrets
10/22/03: Ig Nobels reward weird science
10/16/03: TV golf needs a kick in the pants
10/08/03: That's geek to me
09/30/03: A man, a woman and a cat
09/22/03: A tale of two spams
09/16/03: Librarian action figure will be taking no guff
09/10/03: Slackers need to remain invisible
09/02/03: No fun in the summertime
08/26/03: The algebra of love
08/11/03: Journey to the center of the pavement cracks
08/06/03: Word dominance by U.S. appears a fait accompli
07/28/03: Ads that are hard to swallow
07/09/03: Keep cows out of the classroom
07/03/03: Little-appreciated facts about unshaven men
06/24/03: Brother, can you paradigm?
06/18/03: Cats, TV not a good mix
06/10/03: In defense of grumpiness
06/04/03: Do we really need keyboards in our Port-A-Johns?
05/29/03: Always a dull men's moment
05/21/03: Bad PC hygiene leads to bugs
05/12/03:Army mops up; Tony Blair doesn't
05/06/03: Grill a hamburger for PETA
05/01/03: Exams spice history
04/23/03: Too much money? Tax me more!
04/14/03: When good gourds go bad
04/11/03: One fish-tale that isn't --- and that's no lie!
04/02/03: Do you really want to know what your dog's thinking?
03/26/03: Pajamas make high school less stressful
03/21/03: It's time to be nice to the French
03/03/03: The ultimate clean and constructive sport
02/12/03: Get a bang out of cleaning with cruise vacuum
02/06/03: Voluntary kindness? Not likely
01/28/03: Signs our economy is on upswing
01/22/03: There may be cash in your old underwear
01/15/03: Banish these words, now more than ever
01/07/03: Coughing as an art form
12/24/02: Parents shell out for missed homework
12/17/02: French government says no to @ symbol
12/11/02: A latecomer joins fellowship of the DVD
12/02/02: Don't worry, be fat, unfit and really happy
11/18/02: Intrigued by a German invention that could get teens out of bed before the crack of noon
11/06/02: A noose by any other name ...
10/29/02: Iranian dogs on notice
10/22/02: Talk about a job that stinks --- literally!
10/15/02: The official world's funniest joke
10/02/02: Japanese turn eyes to computer haikus
09/27/02: Oh, no! Bosses want to know what's on your mind
09/24/02: An airbag, humanity's salvation?
09/17/02: DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME!
09/06/02: Come listen to a story about a man named ... Bill
09/03/02: You're not in preschool anymore!
08/30/02: A charming idea from a brutal, whacked-out, megalomaniacal dictator-for-life
08/26/02: Blubber water? How to put on the pounds by gulping H20
08/21/02: The latest evidence that Mother Nature is out to kill us
08/13/02: Computers, airplanes and Canada don't mix
08/06/02: The sky's not falling? Dang it!
08/02/02: Some fond memories of worst TV shows
07/30/02: Pay my credit-card bill, please?
07/25/02: Something to celebrate
07/22/02: Baseball needs to ban the fans
07/16/02: Hasbro should consider new inaction figure
07/11/02: Decline in trash-talking is harming our mental health? Well, #@%&!
07/08/02 Americans retain right to fork tongues
07/01/02 These laws were made to be broken
06/18/02 Watching enough commercials?
06/03/02 Throwing your vote to the dogs
05/08/02
Hey, Mom, could you spare a dime?: Parents' obligations unending