Argus Hamilton
important news ....
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Homeland Security said Friday it will scan every fan
entering the Super Bowl for past crimes. It's done with face
recognition software. Thank goodness they don't cover the players'
entrance or there wouldn't be enough players to field two teams.
Michael Jackson starred in a CBS prime time special Friday
in which the King of Pop sang his number one hits. He's beyond pop
music now. Classical music fans can't wait to hear his first
symphony, rumored to be called Lewd Conduct with A Minor.
Mad Cow caused a third herd to be quarantined in Washington
Friday. The herd is at risk from eating brains and body parts of
other animals. Howard Dean said this should be a warning to the
other Democratic candidates to stop picking on him.
Dulles Airport Security Director Charles Brady was arrested
for drunk driving after work Wednesday night. It goes with the
territory. When you have the power to frisk every woman you
encounter, you begin to think you're James Bond.
British Airways canceled three flights to the United States
on Thursday and Friday. The pilots refused to fly with armed
marshals. The only way to get from London to America these days is
to fly to Mexico and walk across with everyone else.
The FBI grounded an Air France flight to Los Angeles when
they misread three names on the passenger list. The new system
rates each passenger's terrorism risk as red, yellow or green. It
works perfectly unless you are Indian, Asian or airsick.
Steve Spurrier, citing personal humiliation, quit the
Washington Redskins last week. Six other NFL head coaches were
fired. Around this time of year, whenever a football coach tells
you this is his bridge night, it could mean cards or jumping.
Wesley Clark wrapped up a Southern campaign swing with a
rally in Nashville Tuesday. He moved to the South when he was a
boy. He talked about the values he learned growing up in Arkansas,
but he promised to reform and the crowd forgave him.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements,
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