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Jewish World Review Jan. 6, 2003 / 3 Shevat, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | Dr. Phil was voted the top new daytime talk show by People magazine. Viewers seem to love his tough-love approach. Group therapy is so popular that Saddam Hussein just scheduled a men's retreat for his Revolutionary Guard in early February.

West Virginia demanded an apology for hillbilly jokes in Virginia's halftime show. Nobody wants that image. It didn't help when the West Virginian who just won the Powerball lottery offered to put cinder blocks under every car in the state.

Roll Call magazine listed Massachusetts U.S. Senator John Kerry as the richest member of the U.S. Senate, worth over $560 million. He's also a highly decorated war hero. The only other guy with that much money who went to Vietnam was Bob Hope.

President Bush spoke to troops at Fort Hood Friday and tried to rally them for an attack on Iraq. Some soldiers told reporters they have reservations about going to war in the Persian Gulf. You can always tell who just bought an electric car.

President Bush dined with the troops at Fort Hood on Friday. He skipped the broccoli. His father once threw up on the Japanese prime minister after eating broccoli and to this day, he's considered the patron saint of the cruise industry.

Dick Gephardt let it be known Friday he's running for president. John Kerry's running, Joe Lieberman is running, John Edwards is running, Al Sharpton is running, but Hillary Clinton is definitely not running. For once in her life she's not being chased by a guy with a subpoena and she is going to enjoy every minute of it.

The White House previewed the president's economic stimulus plan Friday. The plan greatly encourages corporations to pay stock dividends. Thanks to campaign finance reform, companies don't need as much cash sloshing around as they did before.

Clonaid refused Friday to allow DNA testing on Baby Eve to prove she's the first-ever human clone. This hasn't affected the waiting list for their cloning services. What parent wouldn't want a child that's smart, athletic and produces wool?

Senator Bill Frist saved the lives of car wreck victims on a Florida freeway on Thursday. Their Firestone tire had blown out. If only Senator John Edwards had been driving by instead, these people would have had a hefty settlement by now.

Senator John Edwards of North Carolina announced his presidential candidacy. It was inevitable. The lure of driving behind the sound of blaring sirens in the presidential motorcade was too powerful for a personal injury lawyer to resist.

President Bush criticized North Korean leader Kim Jong Il and his communist government Thursday for starving their people. Now you know why the collected works of Karl Marx is climbing the best-seller charts. People think it's a diet book.

The Salvation Army announced Thursday it is turning down a $100,000 donation from the winner of the Florida lottery. They refused to accept money made from gambling. If there is anything a homeless person cannot stand, it's ill-gotten soup.



JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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© 2002, Argus Hamilton